Fear is not the enemy

I have been climbing for the past several days with a group of more advanced climbers. This means that I had to push myself and overcome a lot of fear, especially since it was my first time actually climbing and especially since I started out with some more advanced routes as well.

I had to deal with the fear of falling, hitting myself against the hard rock, the fear of hurting myself and ultimately the fear of not being good enough, not trusting my capacities that I can actually do it, especially since I the first routes that I tried were not for beginners.

If we think that learning, growth and evolution happens outside of our comfort zone and that outside of our comfort zone is full of fear, uncertainty and little to no control, then it means that we should befriend fear and uncertainty.

If we view it this way then it means that fear and uncertainty are the leading path to growth and evolution.

I am making these connections based on two quotes that speak to me so much. One of them goes in the lines of considering that courage is not the absence of fear but acting from a place of fear and overcoming it because there is something more important to us on the other side.

The other one says that we should not wish that our circumstances or context were easier but rather wish that we were better so that we can accept and overcome the challenge which lays ahead of us.

This means that whenever we might feel fear of something we should be attracted to explore more. I think that fear indicates that the very thing we are fearing might require capabilities that we do not yet possess and here is the potential to develop.

Sometimes, when we are at the brim of our abilities, it just takes a little push to overcome it and be on the other side of fear where we know we have all the resources we need in order to succeed. We just need to take a leap of faith, we need to dive deep into what scares us.

Having this is mind, I want to share how I tackled all of this. Near the camping area we have this beautiful lake which has two jumping points, one from a wooden plank which is probably 1m and the other one is from a rock which is probably 2-2.5m.

First of all, I challenged myself to try the smaller one. I was afraid of slipping on the wet wood, the plank was moving and as I jumped I let out a big scream. I would say that it was the sound of fear coming out of my body and leaving me.

Next step for me was to go on the rock, knowing that I could check the intermediary step and I was not hurt. When I was at the edge of the rock it looked so scary that I was sitting there for a while.

I decided I will need to work a little bit more on my confidence. So I jumped several more times from the smaller distance so that I begin more and more comfortable with it.

Then, I just took the time to observe the other people jumping. Boys and girls, the boys had longer limbs than I did and that made me feel fine since the water was not so deep and the main fear was first of height and secondly of hitting myself from the bottom of the lake.

What really made it for me was when I saw a little girl jumping and that was the point of no return for me. I had to do it.

The only thing standing in my way was my own fear and I knew I needed to train to overcome my fear of falling so that I can be a better climber. I had a strong purpose for it, beside proving to myself that I can do it and building my confidence.

So I went up the second time, took a look and it was still scary. I figured out that if I go a little bit behind, I would not see the whole distance. I was set on doing it, I just needed to do the first step. Started running and just jumped. Again, the loudest scream came out, but in the end I was all right.

So what matters, from my own experience, when you are trying to overcome fear are the following aspects:

– Have a clear goal in mind and know why you want to do it, what is waiting for you on the other side

– Try something gradually and continue with a harder and then even harder version. Each time you build your confidence even more

– Observe other people doing it, see how they do it, what is their technique, observe their experience and learn from it

– Identify what would be a point of no return for you and put yourself in that position. Once you will be there, the only way to get out of it is to just do that thing which scares you

– Know that everything changes and nothing stands still. What can grow, can live and what stands still gradually dies

What is your experience with fear? How do you manage it?

Being dirty is not for everybody

But it definitely can be 🙂

One of my passions is hiking, so I have been to a lot of places in the mountains camping.

Let’s face it, the conditions are far from being 5 stars when you bring only the bare necessities, no shower, no running water at your disposal.

Recently I have started climbing also, and the area we are now in Portugal is near a forest which burned down, so there is also a lot of dust.

This means getting my hands dirty because I touch all the rocks, and when I am the one on the ground assuring somebody else climbing, then I touch all the rope which in turn is also dirty.

Since we only brought water to drink, I had no way to wash my hands and this created a lot of inner distress. And I started thinking about this and why is it so, why are not the others bothered at all by this and they can eat a carrot with their hands completely dirty, not blinking an eye.

First of all, I think it has to do with how our parents educated us but I think this is specifically prevalent for girls. Girls are told since they are young not to dirty their cute little dresses but boys can go with the bike and come back completely covered in mud.

I am exaggerating, but you get the point. Girls grow up with the idea that they need to be clean, because they need to be presentable. In today’s society, looks for a woman are still more important than adventure, fun, trying different things. So this is still a strong gender stereotype that we have not completely overcome.

Secondly, I think it has something to do with social status. I was always ashamed if I would wear something and I would realise it has a whole in it or it is dirty. Because my mom was always careful to make sure that my clothes wouldn’t have any tear nor wear , were dirty or even creased, lest the neighbours or other people might see me and it would be shameful. I always fought and rebelled against it.

I guess the root of this would be that the people judging me by my clothes might have considered that I am a poor person, and this would bring shame to my mother.

Honestly, from my point of view, there is no indication of a person’s value as a human being by the clothes he or she chooses to wear, only a clue about their personal style and what they are into. This has to do with aspect and our fear of not being liked, not being accepted.

But there is a more deeper reason to why we might avert from getting dirty: religion! I know, I know, it is the big stuff, but bear with me. Every single prayer, every single sermon has a paragraph, has a moment where people are repeatedly told that they sinners. That their soul is not clean and pure, that it is dirty.

And this is even more prevalent when it comes to women, starting with Eve who committed the capital sin and „made” Adam do it as well, and continuing to all the references to women being the temptation for men and a sure way to sin.

A flirtatious woman might be considered a dirty woman if she says the same “dirty” jokes a man would. Or even a man, because sex is a dirty thing unless it is used for procreation. And all of this seeds planted in our minds make us avert from being dirty. We need to be presentable so that we keep the appearance of a clean soul also. A little bit dorian-gray-ish.

As a preteen, I was really religious and I was taking pleasure from going to church. But once I got my menstruation, I was told that it is a sin to enter the church, that I should stay only in the first part of the church.

I cannot tell you how much this hurt me to hear, a place that was dear to me, close to my heart, and I was denied to enter because of bleeding, when it was not bothering anyone in anyway.

This and other things made me lose my respect for the church but this is not the topic here. The main idea is that religion makes women feel dirty because of their denied sexuality, because of their beautiful womb, the birthplace of human life.

And if that does not highly impact the way a woman or a man feels about getting dirty, in any context, it means they are not religious or they did a lot of inner work. FYI, after being older, I went to church while having my menstruation and miraculously, the church did not fall on my poor sinner’s head.

And if we continue in this line, there are entire parts of the modern population which are considered untouchable and suffer from severe discrimination, and all because they are considered to be dirty.

They are ostracised and segregated from the rest of the population due to their occupation which were and in some areas of the world are still considered polluting activities. These activities include being fishermen, sweepers, washermen or manual scavengers.

It is an entire subject that needs our attention but the main point is that we have a social construct in our society around being physically dirty, and this cannot go unnoticed by our subconscious mind.

Last but not least for some people like me, my lover calls me germs conscious instead of germaphobic, because I push myself in some situations to overcome this. But the fact that I have dirty hands, even if it is just dust and nobody died from eating a little bit of dust, for me it is still a hard situation to swallow, pun intended.

But I definitely feel more relaxed after writing this article, which in the end was the main reason for which I wanted to write it in the first place.

What do you think? What activities or experiences have you denied yourself because of the risk of getting dirty?

A wish come true

Aida was a restless girl, always running around, climbing in all the trees of the forest, hanging from branches and jumping over big boulders. But what she wanted the most was to be able to fly.

She would envy the birds in the sky for their wings and their races with the wind, between clouds and sunrays. She would look at her meagre hands and then she would go and climb more trees so that she could put them to good use.

The king left her to her demise, he knew she was a free spirit and after his wife died, he decided that he would let his girl live the life she wanted, since it was so short.

As she grew older, suitors started paying their respects and showing their interest. But once they laid eyes on her, they were shocked to meet a most beautiful woman, wearing almost rags, with her hair tangled with leaves and sticks, dirty fingernails, scraped knees, smelling of freedom.

Even so, all of them were charmed by wild princess and brought the most fabulous jeweleries and carpets to win her affection. She would reject every single gift, announcing that she would only marry the prince who would offer her a pair of wings.

Time went by, the word spread about her unusual request and year by year there were fewer suitors until there was none.

Aida lost no sleep because of it, she was always constructing, patching, forhing new wings to try on every day. All the servants of the castle were engaged in her ideal, they would come up with different materials, started drawing on the sand each morning the new models they had in mind to try on.

They were a happy bunch because Aida strongly felt that she would fly one day, and made them feel special to be a part of her incredible quest.

One morning, when plans were made and materials brought forth, like usual, Aida came properly dressed, with bags of food and all the things needed for the road mounted on her horse, wearing her favourite pair of wings.

Everybody at the castle was waiting for her to speak, including the king. She told them about a dream she kept on having every single night.

A seagul would come and perch on her window, then would enter the room, sit on her bed, lay on her pillow and they would fall asleep together. By morning, she would find that he was a prince.

She then announced all of them that she was going on a journey to find that seagul prince. Sdeing the determination and the resolve of her decision, the king gave her his blessing and let her go her way.

There was a long winding road through forests and over hills and never ending hills until the sea would appear.

Aida understood the beauty of her father’s kingdom and for the first time she thought dearly of her father, how he gave her all the liberty in the world to do what she wanted but most importantly be and try to become whom she desired.

She then decided that she would return with a prince and rule over that beautiful kingdom with the same kindeness, tolerance and unconditional love her father showed her.

She was so lost in these thoughts and she barely noticed the salted air reaching her nostrils and the song of the waved crashing against the cliffs.

She lost no time and started looking. She went all along the shore, searched every cavern and every hidden nook in the rocks, searching for a trace. Her neck and eyes hurt from looking at the sky and her ears were strung by trying to hear a seaguls cry.

She spent 3 days and 2 nights without any sleep, restlessly searching for her seagul prince, her horse would’t budge anymore and she finished her las morsel of food she had for her entire trip. That was the moment she felt completely defeated and thought that maybe it was just a foolish dream of a foolish girl.

Tears came trickling down her check so she sat down near her horse and found a rock to be her pillow for the night. As she was closing her eyes, slowly drifting from the realm of life to the realm of dreams, a blurred image of a black dot coming closer and closer to her.

Her hope rekindled the last drop of energy she had in her so she could see the seagul she had been searching for, laying on the same rock as she finally fell asleep, knowing that this is how it should be.

When she finally woke up, it was dawn already and there was no sign of her seagul, but this time she knew where she had to look, she found it already in her dreams, all she needed to do was to follow her steps.

She headed for the top of the highest cliffs and on her way she started seeing feathers scattered all over the place.

At the beginning they were small, but as she continued to climb even higher, they got bigger and bigger.

When she reached the summit, there was an enormous seagul towering over the peak, waitinf for her. Her feet started to tremble as she approached, not from fear but from overwhelming emotion.

As she approached him, she streched her arm to his chest to lay on his beating heart and almost jumped when she hear him speak as her fingers were about to reach his feathers.

– If you touch me, we will be forever bonded. You will be me and I will be you. I will be yours and you will be mine, till the end of our time.

Her hand stopped, frozen in the air, for one second, she took a deep breath and tried to keep the memory of herself, how she was and how she felt before moving on.

From that day, he took her on his back, soaring the skies, the clouds, being together every minute of those endless summer days.

They were talking about everything and nothing, but he never went further with the story of how he became a seagul until one night.

– We have been together for 30 days and 30 nights. Now is your only chance to turn your back on me and return to your family. But you will never see me again.

– Why would I eant to do that? I am living the happiest days of my life!

– From now on, you will be turning ever so slowly into a seagul yourself. This is my curse. For the love of my life to share the miserable life of a bird. Your feathers will start plucking out of your skin, you tallons will grow and your beak will forever transform this beautiful lips of yours.

– I will never leave your side, night after night I have been dreaming that you would come to me, we would fall asleep together and in the morning you would be human again. My dreams brought me to you, my dreams made me know you will change!

There was a deep silence and an ever deeper strange look from his eyes.

– I was an only child in my kingdom and my biggest desire was to fly, over rivers and mountains, be as free as a bird. When I was coming of age, both my parents fied, leaving me with the burden of a kingdom and a broken heart. I slowly drifted into a sadness no one could cure. One day an old lady with feathers of all colours and sizes adorning her whole body and head appeared at my court. I was all alone in the immense hall, I could not have the company of any person. When she approached the throne, I startled, and that angrily shouted that I wanted and commanded to be left alone. Nonetheless she continued and when she reached me she said.

– I can make your wish come true. All you have to do is give up everything, including your most precious gift from life.

– What is that?

– Love and everything it brings with it!

– I lost my parents love, the only love left in my soul is the love for the deep blue skies, I want to lose myself in their immensity. There isn’t a place left for me on earth anymore.

– You will not be able to love anymore, unless you find a woman willing to take your place!

When Aida heard this, she knew that they will be a short time together, but in the end, she will take her flight and leave the earth for the endless skies.

– I will do it! If you promise to take back what you lost because of grief! I want you to go and rule my kingdom in my stead and be the most just, kind, loving and prosperous my people have ever seen. And be of aid for my father’s old age.

Not much more was said between the two. Their love for eachother, as they morphed from human to bird and from bird to human was hard to understand. What was even harder to understand was their love for flying and the sacrifice they took in the name of that love.

Mental health

I have recently written an article about mental health, and mainly how to be there for the people in your life which are suffering, how to offer your support. If you did not get to read it, I suggest you start with that one and continue reading this article.

As important as helping is, I also find that you need to take care of your well being, emotionally and mentally, while doing anything. I would like to share my experience regarding this. These are the aspects I find important when you find yourself trying to help somebody.

 

Helping for the wrong reasons

 First of all, I think it is important to explore why do you want to help. As hard to believe it, it may be that you are trying to help for all the wrong reasons in the first place. What do I mean by this? It can happen in various forms.

If you are like me, you might find it hard to refuse to help somebody who is suffering, even though this might mean getting to suffer as well. I have given this a lot of thought and there are multiple reasons for why I find it hard to refuse to help, when this is detrimental to my own well being. Then I explored even more and found the reasons below and developed a bit on them.

 

1. Your beliefs

One of the reasons is being raised a Christian, and helping the ones which are suffering was what Jesus did. I was reading a lot of books in my early teens about martyrs or saints, giving up on everything, including their life in order to save other.

While this speaks to me so much, since I am an idealist, as I matured, I came to understand the concept of illuminated egoism, and to understand that in order to take care of others, I need to take care of myself. I need to give myself the time, the space to recharge and be able to support.

And I also have this strange concept in my mind that Jesus can be disguised in everybody and if I refuse to help, then I won’t help Jesus. Now, if I get to think about it, one is not more important than the other.

A lot of Romanian bedtime stories include old women who are asking for help and they are in fact fairies giving the heroes superpower or weapons. I mentioned this because there are a lot of convictions which shape our incapacity to refuse to help, dig deep and you will find numerous.

 

2. When you needed help

It so happens that I passed through my own share of suffering, depression and not being able to pull myself together. And in the process, there were several persons which gave up on me, when I was expecting them to help me.

Understand that it is no one’s responsibility to help us, they can choose to, but ultimately we are the sole responsible of our lives.

And ultimately, needing help and not getting it, made me help myself, made me push myself to get up, because I had no other choice. And this empowered me to understand that in the end I am the only person who can really help me.

So, if you choose to help, do it in a manner that enables that person to help themselves, and do it knowing that this won’t fix the grudge of not being helped, it does not work this way, just let that go!

 

 

3. Heal your humiliation wound

Lise Bourbeau wrote the book „Heal your wounds and find your true self”, in which she describes the 5 wounds we all suffer in a bigger or smaller proportion. And as long as we do not learn to heal these wounds, we end up creating masks with different beliefs and behaviours which are detrimental to our own growth and well being.

In the chapter about humiliation she describes how the persons suffering from this wound take on more and more responsibilities, and help other when this is affecting them, just so that they receive acceptance and are valued by the ones around them.

If you are a person who is always on second place, always helping others when you need to give yourself the time, the energy for your own well being, you might find solutions in reading this book, and finding a way to heal this wound.

 

4. The saviour complex

This is a concept I heard of but not really knowing exactly what it implies, but I dug a little bit into it, because I think we need the right motivation for wanting to help somebody. It seems that a person having the saviour’s complex might invest a lot of time and energy into saving somebody else, even without being asked, for the following reasons:

• They have a past trauma or painful events from the past which they did not manage to solve and are trying to help everybody else because they feel they cannot heal themselves;
• They feel empty or worthless unless someone else needs them;
• They have a sense of superiority and omnipotence, believing they can help and „fix” everybody.

If some of these speak to you in a way, dig more information on it and start listening instead of going right into action, listen to the other person’s need and not offer the solution you know is best for them. And of course, always help only if you are asked to.

If you identified the reasons why are helping somebody else, and it comes from a healthy, genuine, unaltered wish to contribute to someone else’s well being, without being related to anything else in you, then you need to pay attention to the following aspects:

Being overly empathic

If you are a very empathic person, you might get to be overwhelmed by the emotional roller coaster the one you are trying to support is going through. If you have not already found ways to manage your emotions and distance yourself emotionally, you may find yourself sucked into all this tornado of negative emotions.

Often times, I would find myself drained of energy, feeling depleted, with a huge headache and generally so sad after talking with a friend, that it affected my productivity and my capacity to completely engage in what I had going on my own plate.

And this happens also because you connect with your own emotions, with your own past suffering, with your own negative experiences and they all resurface when you are trying to be there for somebody else. We all have suffered, maybe not in the same way, but emotions are universal.

What can you do? First of all, like the person you are trying to help, you need to do a lot of emotional work and make peace with your past and your past suffering. If you are a clean slate, then you will be more capable to deal with whatever the ones around you are dealing, because it will not reopen old wounds, since you cured them already.

Second of all, create in your mind a separation between you and the other person and completely integrate the idea that their pain is not your pain, their incapacity to move on and act upon it is not your own. If you cannot do that, it means that you still need to work on your own pain which is mirrored in your friend or close one.

 

Learn to say no

 If a friend keeps on calling you in the middle of the night when you need to wake up early in the morning for important issues, or asks for your support when you are already engaged in an important activity for you, learn to say no and come back when helping is also good for you.

Otherwise, you will help but also grow resentment because helping when you were not available to do so came with negative consequences for you.

If the person you are trying to support asks you to do something you are not comfortable with or you do not want to do, you can say no. This does not mean that you do not want to help, but you should be fine with the help you are offering.

If you do not feel comfortable offering money, don’t. If you don’t feel you can offer a shoulder to cry on, or hugs, because you are not a physical person, then don’t. Whatever it may be, before accepting, because you feel pressured to say yes, consider what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do, and be fine with it.

 

Know when to stop

Sometimes the best solution for you well being is to distance yourself and accept the fact that you do not want to get involved anymore, or you need your own pace and time. And this is totally fine. This was a hard thing to accept for me, because of the sense of guilt I felt knowing that I am not offering my help.

If the help you are offering is hurting you in any way, then you need to take a step back, take a break, reevaluate everything and see what can be done. If the best solution for you is to back down, do just that.

Some people don’t want to change, don’t want to get better, even if they are asking for your help. Some people got so used to the pain and the drama, that it is the only thing they know. Happiness comes with uncertainty and fear and they will do everything to avoid it, even if it means to keep on suffering.

Understand where you draw the line and understand that if a person is bringing you down with them, then it is time to let go, and be fine with it.

About mental health

How to be there when you are needed?

Through the course of the past years and especially since last year in end of August I have had various experiences with people suffering from mental health issues. It was the first time I was close to such experiences and honestly it all took me off guard and totally unprepared.

Today, one year later I have learned a little bit more and have grown to be able to navigate a little bit better. Along the years, I have had coaching clients, people participating at trainings or close collaborators suffering from mental health issues. Being in these different positions made me be more aware of some the implications of what it means to live with such an issue.

I am definitely far from being a specialised person to give advice, the meaning of this post is to share from my own experience, so that it might serve for others being in similar situations.

First of all, what is the proper reaction when a person shares that they lost a member of the family or someone dear, when they just went through a breakup, when they share that they are suffering from depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, anorexia or any other mental health problem or they admit they have had suicidal thoughts or attempts?

Not a year has passed since I have heard from friends that they have had people in their close circle committing suicide, they were mostly in the 20-25 years age range. So this is something that is becoming more real and more present.

First of all, it is really important just to listen, let them know that you appreciate them for finding the strength and courage to share it with you, and assure them that they do not need to suffer in silence. Secondly, it is important to let them know that you come from a non-judging, total acceptance state of mind. If you cannot do that, take a step back and try to find inner resources to be an empty vessel, they are doing more blame and guilt and don’t need extra pressure.

Secondly, you need to put yourself in their shoes, or better said, try to understand their perspective. Try to understand what it means to them, to their professional carrer, to their relationships and how is their life. Not from a place of pity but from of place of wanting to understand, because what I think they need the most is to feel heard, understood, what they are going through and what it means to them.

And thirdly, recognising their emotions and communicating them, feeling with them. Putting yourself in that vulnerable space where you dig deep with your own emotions and relate with them from that state, understanding that fear, that anger, that sadness, that feeling of powerlessness.

I recommend you see this short video from Brene Brown in which she explains the difference between empathy and sympathy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

 

How to offer your support?

And the worst that we can do is to give our unsolicited help and try to make it better, try to solve it, try to wash it all off, try to make it go away, with different suggestions. This will discourage them because they might hear from different sources to put their shit together once and for all, snap out of it, just do it, stop the self disctructive behaviours. This is what they want as well, but when you put pressure on them, it is not helping at all!

On the other hand, if that persons asks for help, then figure out what is the best way you can support them so that they find a solution and they work towards reaching it. You can help them directly also, but from my point of view, the best thing that we can do is to create the space to enable them to be able to achieve it.

Once we give them the solution, without them working for it, I think we are only sending the person the message that he or she cannot manage on their own, that they need the help or depend on other people to manage, and in this way, they will not be able or the process will be harder to take responsibility for their life, and take their power back.

Asking for help, putting themselves in this state of vulnerability should always be appreciated, it is not easy to do it. But direct them to fin the solution they can work towards, not something you can offer. And support them to become independent and not need to ask again.

Because I think there can be a trap with asking help. Every time a person asks for help, they are telling themselves they cannot do it, they cannot manage, that they depend on other people. If it is related to things you are sure they can manage to do, don’t offer to help, otherwise I fear that you might cripple them even more when they need to feel that they are the strongest pillar in their life on which they can lean on. Nobody else.

I have been there. I have been to the lowest point in my life. I felt grudge for other not helping me when I was down, when I desperately needed help. Today, I am grateful they refused to help me, I truly am. Because this forced me to manage on my own.

And by raising myself from the ground, understanding that I can do it with my own powers and resources gave me trust to tackle other issues, one after the other. And all of this had a snowball effect.

One problem after the other that I managed to solve for myself, I was gaining more confidence and power. I am grateful I had the opportunity to understand that I am powerful beyond measure and the only person who can truly help me get out of the rut is only myself.

These are my awareness points from my experience so far, I will come with a second part in which I will include how you can make sure you take care of your well being as well.

I am open for conversation, I am open for your opinions, for your input, for your experiences. God knows, I need the different perspectives and I understand I do not have all the answers but I am willing to understand and make sure that I can support and be there for others as best as possible.

Wish you all the best!

Hurt souls in perfect bodies

If the body could show the wounds we have in our souls, we would be mutilated and disfigured. And further more, if our bodies would never have the ability to regenerate, we would be a hard image to watch.

But we live in a world where these wounds are invisible, yet we carry them with us along the way. I would call this the modern Dorian Gray mystery: we are so hurt deep down inside, yet our face is neat and smooth.

And we don’t heal, we carry our wounds with us, we take them with us each night when we go to sleep, we take them with us in the shower, we never pack for a holiday and forget to leave them at home, we run in the park with them, we take them at work, at church, and most of all, when we are alone, we know we are carrying them on our backs. But we don’t let go.

Some people’s wounds are just bruises now, some people carry scars all over their souls and some are still open flesh. Some choose to cling to their pain, and have it inside, and indulge in it, being the victim, some fight and struggle like a drowning person desperately reaching for the surface for air, but never make it up, and some are walking calmly now, but the marks never go away.

We never stop being hurt since the day we are born, but I for one, never stop loving life.

I refuse to cling to pain, I refuse to keep those wounds open, just because I don’t have enough forgiveness and love to close them.

But where do we recycle all the pain, where does it go? I don’t want the medicine that time offers, to wait long enough until the memory of the pain is not vividly recalled anymore, and I move on. Moving on does not mean for me cleaning my body, it’s just ignoring that it is dirty still.

I want a smooth, floating, white, radiating, sweet cure, to take care of my wounds, so that I take all the hurt out of my body, out of my mind, out of my soul, and be like a newly born. And I don’t think this is impossible.

And there would be no scars, because I would not leave that hurting to do a permanent damage. I would just let it float inside my body, acknowledge it, embrace it, forgive and love, and breathe in peace.

Can we do that? Can I do that?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAOdlgFJDAI

Mantre pentru scris

Dacă ești ca mine, înseamnă că îți dorești foarte mult să scrii. Și dacă totuși te trezești că la sfârșitul zilei nu ai așternut nici un cuvânt, nu ai legat nici o frază, de teama de eșec, de teama părerilor celorlați sau din oricare alte motive, atunci împărtășesc cu tine 10 mantre pe care le-am creat pentru a mă ajuta să scriu zi de zi.

Sper să îți servească pentru a-ți găsi inspirația de care ai nevoie, bineînțeles te invit să îți creezi propriul tău decalog de mantre pentru scris.

1. Important este să scriu, să scriu și iarăși să scriu.

2. Pentru a ști unde pot ajunge, am nevoie sa fac un prim pas, pe urmă încă unul și încă unul și tot așa. Pentru a ști ce pot scrie, e important să încep cu primul cuvânt, pe urmă încă unul și încă unul și tot așa.

3. Tot ce reușesc să scriu este suficient de bun pentru mine și asta e tot ce contează!

4. Scrie în fiecare zi, ca o rugăciune, ca o meditație, ca fiecare gură de aer. Inspiră, respiră, scrie!

5. Adu la viață toate povesșile nerostite, fiecare dintre ele îți vor mulțumi că le-ai creat!

6. Scrisul este important pentru mine pentru procesul în sine de a scrie.

7. Orice aș scrie este mai bun decât o pagină goală și dezamăgirea de a nu scrie!

8. Doar prin a scrie zi de zi, pagină cu pagină, voi reuși să scriu mai bine!

9. Am o imaginație fantastică, sunt o persoanaă creativă, merit să scriu!

10. Veni, vidi, scripsit!

The best in me

I came closer to you, wrapped my arms around your neck and brought your head to my chest. My breasts closed softly around your cheek and you inhaled deeply. Your hair was so soft, flowing between my fingers.

I held you closer.

Tighter.

Because time just stopped. Right there. I was with you and everything around just melted. In your arms I felt like home. Like no home I lived in before. A home where I felt safe, completely understood and accepted for who I am and what I stand for.

I felt loved, unconditionally and wholly. And most of all, I felt in complete harmony with who I am and who I want to be.

Because you bring out the best in me.

Victories journal

On the 12th of June I proposed a coaching client of mine to write her daily victories. I have had the practice of writing in my journal almost every single evening for some years now but I had my mind on the victories journal for a while. Because I wanted to encourage her to practice it, I decided that the best chance to achieve it is to do it alongside her.

I would like to share with you how this process went so far and I hope that you will be inspired to take upon this amazing practice.

Initially I started writing only for the week days, leaving the weekend off. But going through the notes, I saw that from the 1st of July I have started to share it every single day, with 2-3 exceptions.

I guess this came naturally, without proposing myself to do so. Because I considered that victories are all the things we do in life, they do not resume only for working days. And every day needs to be celebrated with what it brings and what it has to offer.

And secondly, I started taking a lot of value from it. The time I spend to go through the day and focus on the good things is a routine I started to care deeply for, so the practice shifted from “I have to do it” to “I want to do it”

This shift is a tremendous breakthrough with every habit you are trying to implement. First you have to try it for 1-2 or 3 weeks in a consistent manner so that you can see what you are taking out of it, what is the added value it brings into your life and how it makes you feel, how it changes you.nThis way, you will decide to stick to it, because you are gaining so much from it that you find you have too much to lose when you don’t do it.

What happened next, as the practice advanced, it that I started to switch from victories related to what I have done to victories related to what I have learned, how did I feel, what attitudes/convictions I adopted.

During quarantine, I have been writing a lot in my journal about switching from doing/having to being. Focusing on the life I live and not so much on the things I do, I achieve, it helps me to bring more awareness to my inner universe and how it reflects on the outside. This started to change the way I wrote in my victories journal.

Another beautiful thing I started in the last week of July is that I added a photo from the ones I took on that day, I want it to remind me of what that day looked like for me.

And this started creating even more pleasure to write in the victories journal, seeing all the good things and a beautiful photo, it looks amazing.

A means of higher commitment

Moreover, the victories journal has become also a commitment and responsibility tool toward the habits of challenges I take upon each month. I will mention some of them here as well:

1. Make sure I reach my optimal level of hydration. Alongside nutrition, sleep, exercises and the quality of air, hydration play an important role in my health and I make sure that I drink the best quality and therapeutic alkaline water

2. Since mid June when I started the victories journal, I started the challenge to eat no sugar and no dairy. It was on and off but July was completely without it. As well without caffeine, nicotine, alcohol or any other unprescribed drugs.

3. On 20th of July I proposed myself to write one article a day on my blog, or invest time to write other creative work, or transcribe previous work to be ready to publish it. Happy to say that I only missed one day so far and getting stronger in my commitment as the days pass, even though it gets harder as well.

4. On the 1st of August I set out to see the sunrise every day and run for 5km to reach the place. The hardest part so far is going to sleep at 22:00.

So all of these newly implemented routines I write them every day as a victory, and every day I celebrate the fact that I managed to keep my commitment.

Tips for starting a victories journal

This has been my experience so far, I would like to give you some tips in case you are thinking of giving this a try:

• I use my phone, a simple note taking app which you have from your phone will do, it is more accessible to me, before going to sleep, I do not want to open my laptop, nor do I fill fit to use my journal for this, my journal is dedicate to soul searching, answering big questions. But again, find that medium which best suits you, you should be comfortable writing so that there is no friction and no excuses there;
• Just commit to write initially 3 victories for the first week, then increase it to 5, and so on. Of course, if you feel like writing more, don’t stop by all means, but commit to it, don’t let a day pass without writing something down;
• No matter how bad a day was, there will always be something good in it, there will always be a reason to be grateful, a reason to be thankful for something which has happened, something you learned, even the smallest of victory counts, the fact that you got out of bed, etc.
• The fact that I had a partner with which I share my victories makes me stick to this no matter what. Our commitment increases when we make public our intention or when we can build an accountability system. Pick a friend, start sharing your victories, the way you will bond and relate to one another will incredibly enhance;
• Add photos to make it more interesting, make it more visual appealing and to feel even more connected to this practice, maybe just some text to scroll down is not so enticing, but I guarantee you that you will find it amazing to be able to see how your day looked like.

The benefits of keeping a victories journal

would like to mention the benefits I have felt with this practice but I am sure that with each person, there will be different things to enjoy from this practice. so here it goes:

• The most important one, you educate your mind to think positively, to see the full half of the glass, since we are champions of seeing only the negative, criticising and thinking that only bad things happen to us, that we cannot do anything, that all is bad, etc;
• You increase your self esteem by connecting each day with the things you managed to do, managed to solve, sometimes we are running so hard to finish that endless to do list, that at the end of the day we might feel that we have not achieved much. Take a closer look. Your self trust is connected with the sense of accomplishment and achievement, keeping your promises to yourself and to others;
• More commitment towards your life, your objective, for being productive, proficient, making the best out of each day. Just the simple fact that you have in mind that you need to write down those victories and send them to somebody at the end of the day makes you go and do things. And the more you achieve, the more you get energy, motivation and momentum to achieve even more, it creates a beautiful upwards spiral;
• You connect to a deeper level with a person with whom you choose to share your victories. Having a person knowing what is important to you, what you are striving for, what you want to achieve, and how your days look like is a powerful vulnerability exercise on one hand, and on the other hand, it is a beautiful way to let yourself be seen deeply be somebody else.
• I started sharing my victories with my lover as well and I realised it has a tremendous impact n the way we relate, the way we understand each other, building a closer and stronger relationship, by letting him see how my day has beed. A sort of checking out of the day with a lot of information to share. Sometimes he shares also and it makes it all even better since I also get the chance to see what matters to him, to understand him better, and why not, be able to support him in whatever is important to him.
• I am planning at the end of the month to print all the victories, and have a retrospective of my month, this way the planning of the next month will go much smoother, and also I will be able to have a beautiful account of my year, when it is time to review what has happened in the last 12 months and plan the year ahead. And it is also a nice way of being able to remember the life you lived each day of the year;
• And also, it is an amazing way to celebrate the life and the fulfilment and the growing in each day, week, month or year.

I hope that I have you enough reason to want to give it a try. Let me know in the comments what do you think of it, and if you will give it a chance.

A day in my victories journal

If you are interested how would a daily entry would be in my victories journal, I leave you here with one example, with no editing whatsoever, so you can see what my daily victories are.

Some are small, some are not, it does not matter, just write what makes your heart sing and what you are proud of. This day was the last day of my stay in Portugal, and I am glad how it went.

Victories 29th of August 2020

– woke up and started the 5AM Club meeting at 6AM, was ready in the car to leave for the sunrise, it is hard to have a meeting on the road but extreme circumstances call for extreme measures

– I kept my positive attitude even though I was waiting in the car for 20 minutes and realising we were not starting and not knowing why, being pressed by time to reach the place we sought for seeing the sunrise, kept my cool when we had to turn back to take Luis’s laptop charger, when we went on a road not knowing where we are going, when the most important part of the meeting came and I had to persuade my team mates and the car was beeping loudly because we were going in reverse so I had to stop talking, I am really proud of my attitude towards all the bottlenecks

– I enjoyed the sunrise and tried to take as much as possible from it, feel the fresh air, see the beautiful light, even though I was just standing in the middle of the road

– when we were about to go, because a car was waiting, I faked that I was pushing the car, I realise that I am starting not to take life so seriously and have a positive attitude about it, laugh and take everything lightly, the guys from the other car immediately came out of the car to help out and they laughed when i told them it was a joke

– tried to lighten Luis’s mood and I think he was stressed about how I would react about not seeing the sunrise, we had planned for the last sunrise a really beautiful location, and I assured him that I understand and I am not at all upset because I proposed myself to have this attitude, whatever it may come

– had breakfast at home and pancakes and we could properly say goodbye, so in the end it had positive sides the fact that we could not go to Lisbon

– told Luis that I am there for him, he was in a bad mood and slowly he also started to smile again, I am glad I can be there for him in this way

– met with Amalia and saw some graffiti, had an interesting conversation about facial hair and about my insecurity with it so I decided to do a Frida Khalo experiment

– recorded with Amalia a video for my coaching client Carmen because I had the idea to organise a femininity and sexuality empowerment retreat together and she replied with a video as well and was excited about idea, said that I am a treasure and it went to my heart to hear her appreciation. Amalia was also letting me lead the process completely trusting the way I can facilitate it

– had a really good talk about Luis’s flatmate and about the situation where Alex had to move and we cleared out together some big topics, issues and I am freaking proud of myself for my maturity, for my approach, for my openness and this is all due to the 4 Agreements book

– went to an Indian restaurant and had a really delicious lunch. Two sauces were with sugar and yogurt and I am glad I asked about it and refrained from eating since I am on a no sugar, no dairy diet. I also consciously chose not to eat meat, just vegetables and that is also a win.

– got to see some more super amazing graffiti and Luis was really making this happen for me and it was such a happy filled experience for me, I really do love murals and he was great for taking care of everything

– said goodbye to Rosario and she really got to me, made me emotional, in this visit she started to grow on me, I even had a moment when I was reminiscing her embrace, and it felt so good, almost felt like she was my mom

– satisfied about the video I sent to Diana about getting things done, no excuses, and make sure she strives to do her best. I had it in my mind to send it since yesterday and I am glad I found the time/emotional availability to send it

– read 40 pages from the practical guide of the 4 Agreements and it is feeling amazing, completely life changing, wrote 8 pages of journaling answers,I will be writing a separate post with these ones as well

– gave Luis my buff and pillow so that he can sleep well, and was jumping over him in the plane when I was going to the toilet, not bother his sleep, I wanted him to rest and felt happy that I can help him, he really needed and deserved it completely

– took all the precautions with disinfection on the plane, in the airport, made sure I kept my distance and tried not to touch anything, nor my face with my hands.

– realised that I had actually managed to resist eating for 2 weeks pasteis de nata which is my favourite dessert from Portugal and the awesome good cheese I discovered there. There were some moments when I wanted to, but I didn’t! And this is a mega win for me!

– reestablished the interview with Elena and the time frame is more achievable this way for both of us, I want to ensure we both have good experience and we enjoy recording it

– Answered Iunia about my bio as Integration Game facilitator and I am glad I am part of this team, and I will be able to impact communities to have deeper and more authentic conversations

– no sugar, no dairy day, achieved my daily water intake

See below the photo I have chosen for this day to include in my victories journal, with the beautiful graffiti I got to see in Lisbon, this one was made by a Romanian artist, Nicolae Negură, depicting the reality of wearing different masks in our online presence.

I hope this inspires you to start your own victories journal! So don’t wait to much, start writing today like there is no tomorrow!

Words hurt or do they really?

I was having dinner with my lover and I told him to be careful because I put olives in the salad and they have seeds, so he does not hurt his teeth. To which he replied: I KNOW!

I don’t know about you, but hearing these two words bring me to an intense emotional response, so intense, so big, that it almost comes out with a huge burst of rejection, fury, indignation and hurt of the ego.

If I would use the words building inside of me, the conversation would have gone in the lines of this:

„Yeah, sure man, good that you know!! I was only trying to help, you know, show that I care, you don’t have to be so stuck up like this. Yeah, I would definitely not tell you anymore, you can break all your teeth for all I know. Shit, really, this is how you repay kindness, what the fuck, don’t you have manners? Geezus man, just take it and leave it at that, you don’t have to act all superior and shit!”

Obviously, I cannot afford to talk like that, not to a person I care about, not to anyone else. I choose my words, but the anger and the reaction is as strong as the words I cannot allow myself to utter.

It was not the first time it happened, and once we even had a huge fight about it! I kept on telling him just to just be grateful and thank me and leave it there. He would not understand why am I making such a huge thing out of this. Why is my reaction so strong, he only said I know…

So today, it repeated itself, I had the same strong reaction, and we got to the middle of it. He told me that he does not mean any offence, or to hurt me or anything at all. I know means only I know. And as long as he has a good intention, he could use whatever words.

His arguments struck a chord to me, because I also believe that words are just a means of giving a message, and as long as that message, that intention is a positive one, then the choice of words does not matter that much. What matter is the love and genuine care behind the words.

I accept his point of view 100% and understand that I know means just that and nothing more. Thinking about my reaction, I have several trains of thought.

First, I think it is a matter of inferiority/superiority. Since I believe knowledge means power, and power means being superior while lack of knowledge, aka lack of power means inferior, I might take these simple words „I know”, as a sign of superiority from the other person.

Again, if I would use that nagging, criticising voice inside my head, it would turn out like this:

„Seriously, you thought I did not know that? Everybody knows it, you that it is an information that you needed to share because I did not know that piece of information? I know that, and even more than you, I know everything, I don’t need your help, you puny, insignificant human. Please, trouble me with something of real value, don’t make me lose my time with trifles a 3-year-old knows. Got, the horror with these peasants, thinking they know it all when they are so stupid.”

I just let myself go over myself with this inner monologue, but you get the gist. Whenever I would hear these words, I think I would be put in an inferior position while the other person will be superior.

I don’t know where I built this conviction, surely there was an occasion where I genuinely wanted to help, shared an information I thought was not common knowledge, or I did not know before, and was met with an all-knowing attitude which hurt my feelings and made me fell smaller than my thumb.

It does not really matter, as long as I understand that being knowledgeable or not does not measure the worth and the goodness of a human being. It is a desirable asset, which can be accessed by some who are fortunate enough to win the lottery of life of being born in the circumstances to offer him/her the opportunity to receive an education and have the willingness to continue it. But knowing more or less does not make anybody good or bad, it just is as it is.

Secondly, I think the words „I know!” meant to me that my help was not accepted. If my help is refused, then it means that my care is refused. If my care is refused then it means that my love is refused.

Again, if I would give a voice for the small kid inside of me, the conversation in my mind would go something like this:

„He doesn’t want my help, because he does not want to receive it from me. He doesn’t want my care and my love because he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t need anything that I have to offer, I am worthless, I have nothing of value to give, nobody wants my love, I am unworthy of love.”

It sounds far fetched, I did not actually formulate these words in my mind, but I think subconsciously I would come to these absurd conclusions which have nothing to do with reality.

Why is so? Because some words, some phrases, some looks, some gestures, anything can trigger a deeper wound we have, of rejection, of abandonment, of ridicule. And no matter what the other person’s reality or intention is, we get hurt, because we haven’t really healed our previous wounds.

So next time you have a huge, strong reaction towards something, take a deep breath and decide to dive deep and see what your inner dialogue is. As the other person to explain and assure you of their intention so that you can clear out a bit from the intensity, and start explaining what is important for you. What do you think is unmet, is violated, what is hurt inside of you. Where does it come from?

If you can do that, then it is great. If you cannot find answers so easily, take comfort in knowing that you always have the other person to be there for your, to assure you of their love, their care and their good intentions, you just have to open up and ask, talk it through.

I guess in the end, we need to understand that all in all we do not talk with the other ones, but we only talk to ourselves, because what we hear is always an echo of what we can find inside of us.

I know, I know, a long rant, but God, it is needed!

All my love and appreciation for the angel I have in my life!