Half Elf

The Astra Film Festival, screening documentaries from all over the world, is the one event I am waiting for, the whole year. This year, due to the pandemic, they have also an online event where you can watch at your leisure whatever chatches your attention. The festival ends this Sunday so you still have time.

And since I want to push myself to write more, I have decided that I will not watch another movie until I have finished writing about the previous one. And believe me, I really want to take advantage of what is left from the festival. It is the same with the books I read, I cannot start reading a new one until I have written a review.

The first movie I saw was my lovers’ choice and it is called „Half Elf” directed by Jón Bjarki Magnússon, from Iceland, released in 2020. In the movie, we can witness the last few months from a lighthouse keepers’ life, before his 100^th birthday, a story about life and our own mortality, about old age and finding meaning in life.

What I discovered is that Iceland has a really rich culture of songs, depicting life and all it has to offer. They sing when they have a family gathering, or meeting with friends, and I guess that these songs are passed on from generation to generation. They actually sound like viking folklore songs.

I was curious enough that I searched one such song that I really loved, I did not find that one exactly but I am leaving you with a similar one, so that you get a feeling of what I am talking about: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwfI6nvCShI

And I think these songs contributed to the protagonists’ long life but also for his mental health. Remembering all those lyrics, memorising words is a good way to ensure you will still enjoy your mental capacity even at an old age.

I think singing gives us a state of wellbeing! At the beginning of the year, for the two months I was in quarantine, I moved with my parents and I had the fields to myself, with no other person in sight. And I would take my speaker with me and have a walk with my favourite music. And sometime, when there was a song that I really loved, I would sing along, from the bottom of my heart, as loud as I wished, since there was nobody to hear me.

And I had such an intense feeling of freedom, of self expression, of pure joy. It was definitely because of the nature, the green grass, the clouds, but also because there are few times when I found the context to let myself sing, with no barrier.

And I think that when we sing, we are in a relaxed state, and it contributes to our well being. And if you take the opportunity to sing with your family or your friends, like they do in the movie, it is such a good way to connect.

On one of the hiking trips, I was with my friends in the car, and each of us would choose a song, it was a marvellous time we spent, instead of being bored. And we enjoyed singing together too! I watched a documentary about music and how humans perceive it and connect with it. I think we all have music inside of us, it is a source of great pleasure for me.

The second aspect which caught my attention was the fact that Trausti, the main character, would often visit a place offering coffins, so that he would pick the best one.

For me, this activity is a way to accept the ending of our life and a way to process our own mortality. Like talking about death has the same effect. I think people try to push this topic so much, because of being afraid of it.

But I think that true freedom comes when we view death as a natural stage of life, and we are changing our fear into complete acceptance. Not ignoring death, but being mindful of it, releases us and makes us live more fully. There is nothing sure in life, except the fact that we will all die, sooner or later.

What still scares me though is actually old age. The pain of walking, the trembling hands, losing the hearing and not being able to see that much, especially to read. All the pains, the pills.

But I think I have this image because in Romania, we are only now putting the effort into leading a healthy lifestyle. So my take out of this is that I will be mindful about my choices and how I take care of my body so that I continue to enjoy good health even at an old age, if I am blessed with more days.

Lastly, I think Trausti, or Elf, as he tried to change his name before dying, actually lived so much because he had a strong purpose. He kept on saying that he wanted to reach 100 years, and he did.

Finding the will to live, having strong reasons to continue living are the key to a long life. I used to say that I want to die young so that I do not go through all the negative aspects of old age. Now, I want to live 100 years old, because I love life, and I want to enjoy from all it has to offer, as much as I can.

Fear is not the enemy

I have been climbing for the past several days with a group of more advanced climbers. This means that I had to push myself and overcome a lot of fear, especially since it was my first time actually climbing and especially since I started out with some more advanced routes as well.

I had to deal with the fear of falling, hitting myself against the hard rock, the fear of hurting myself and ultimately the fear of not being good enough, not trusting my capacities that I can actually do it, especially since I the first routes that I tried were not for beginners.

If we think that learning, growth and evolution happens outside of our comfort zone and that outside of our comfort zone is full of fear, uncertainty and little to no control, then it means that we should befriend fear and uncertainty.

If we view it this way then it means that fear and uncertainty are the leading path to growth and evolution.

I am making these connections based on two quotes that speak to me so much. One of them goes in the lines of considering that courage is not the absence of fear but acting from a place of fear and overcoming it because there is something more important to us on the other side.

The other one says that we should not wish that our circumstances or context were easier but rather wish that we were better so that we can accept and overcome the challenge which lays ahead of us.

This means that whenever we might feel fear of something we should be attracted to explore more. I think that fear indicates that the very thing we are fearing might require capabilities that we do not yet possess and here is the potential to develop.

Sometimes, when we are at the brim of our abilities, it just takes a little push to overcome it and be on the other side of fear where we know we have all the resources we need in order to succeed. We just need to take a leap of faith, we need to dive deep into what scares us.

Having this is mind, I want to share how I tackled all of this. Near the camping area we have this beautiful lake which has two jumping points, one from a wooden plank which is probably 1m and the other one is from a rock which is probably 2-2.5m.

First of all, I challenged myself to try the smaller one. I was afraid of slipping on the wet wood, the plank was moving and as I jumped I let out a big scream. I would say that it was the sound of fear coming out of my body and leaving me.

Next step for me was to go on the rock, knowing that I could check the intermediary step and I was not hurt. When I was at the edge of the rock it looked so scary that I was sitting there for a while.

I decided I will need to work a little bit more on my confidence. So I jumped several more times from the smaller distance so that I begin more and more comfortable with it.

Then, I just took the time to observe the other people jumping. Boys and girls, the boys had longer limbs than I did and that made me feel fine since the water was not so deep and the main fear was first of height and secondly of hitting myself from the bottom of the lake.

What really made it for me was when I saw a little girl jumping and that was the point of no return for me. I had to do it.

The only thing standing in my way was my own fear and I knew I needed to train to overcome my fear of falling so that I can be a better climber. I had a strong purpose for it, beside proving to myself that I can do it and building my confidence.

So I went up the second time, took a look and it was still scary. I figured out that if I go a little bit behind, I would not see the whole distance. I was set on doing it, I just needed to do the first step. Started running and just jumped. Again, the loudest scream came out, but in the end I was all right.

So what matters, from my own experience, when you are trying to overcome fear are the following aspects:

– Have a clear goal in mind and know why you want to do it, what is waiting for you on the other side

– Try something gradually and continue with a harder and then even harder version. Each time you build your confidence even more

– Observe other people doing it, see how they do it, what is their technique, observe their experience and learn from it

– Identify what would be a point of no return for you and put yourself in that position. Once you will be there, the only way to get out of it is to just do that thing which scares you

– Know that everything changes and nothing stands still. What can grow, can live and what stands still gradually dies

What is your experience with fear? How do you manage it?

Being dirty is not for everybody

But it definitely can be 🙂

One of my passions is hiking, so I have been to a lot of places in the mountains camping.

Let’s face it, the conditions are far from being 5 stars when you bring only the bare necessities, no shower, no running water at your disposal.

Recently I have started climbing also, and the area we are now in Portugal is near a forest which burned down, so there is also a lot of dust.

This means getting my hands dirty because I touch all the rocks, and when I am the one on the ground assuring somebody else climbing, then I touch all the rope which in turn is also dirty.

Since we only brought water to drink, I had no way to wash my hands and this created a lot of inner distress. And I started thinking about this and why is it so, why are not the others bothered at all by this and they can eat a carrot with their hands completely dirty, not blinking an eye.

First of all, I think it has to do with how our parents educated us but I think this is specifically prevalent for girls. Girls are told since they are young not to dirty their cute little dresses but boys can go with the bike and come back completely covered in mud.

I am exaggerating, but you get the point. Girls grow up with the idea that they need to be clean, because they need to be presentable. In today’s society, looks for a woman are still more important than adventure, fun, trying different things. So this is still a strong gender stereotype that we have not completely overcome.

Secondly, I think it has something to do with social status. I was always ashamed if I would wear something and I would realise it has a whole in it or it is dirty. Because my mom was always careful to make sure that my clothes wouldn’t have any tear nor wear , were dirty or even creased, lest the neighbours or other people might see me and it would be shameful. I always fought and rebelled against it.

I guess the root of this would be that the people judging me by my clothes might have considered that I am a poor person, and this would bring shame to my mother.

Honestly, from my point of view, there is no indication of a person’s value as a human being by the clothes he or she chooses to wear, only a clue about their personal style and what they are into. This has to do with aspect and our fear of not being liked, not being accepted.

But there is a more deeper reason to why we might avert from getting dirty: religion! I know, I know, it is the big stuff, but bear with me. Every single prayer, every single sermon has a paragraph, has a moment where people are repeatedly told that they sinners. That their soul is not clean and pure, that it is dirty.

And this is even more prevalent when it comes to women, starting with Eve who committed the capital sin and „made” Adam do it as well, and continuing to all the references to women being the temptation for men and a sure way to sin.

A flirtatious woman might be considered a dirty woman if she says the same “dirty” jokes a man would. Or even a man, because sex is a dirty thing unless it is used for procreation. And all of this seeds planted in our minds make us avert from being dirty. We need to be presentable so that we keep the appearance of a clean soul also. A little bit dorian-gray-ish.

As a preteen, I was really religious and I was taking pleasure from going to church. But once I got my menstruation, I was told that it is a sin to enter the church, that I should stay only in the first part of the church.

I cannot tell you how much this hurt me to hear, a place that was dear to me, close to my heart, and I was denied to enter because of bleeding, when it was not bothering anyone in anyway.

This and other things made me lose my respect for the church but this is not the topic here. The main idea is that religion makes women feel dirty because of their denied sexuality, because of their beautiful womb, the birthplace of human life.

And if that does not highly impact the way a woman or a man feels about getting dirty, in any context, it means they are not religious or they did a lot of inner work. FYI, after being older, I went to church while having my menstruation and miraculously, the church did not fall on my poor sinner’s head.

And if we continue in this line, there are entire parts of the modern population which are considered untouchable and suffer from severe discrimination, and all because they are considered to be dirty.

They are ostracised and segregated from the rest of the population due to their occupation which were and in some areas of the world are still considered polluting activities. These activities include being fishermen, sweepers, washermen or manual scavengers.

It is an entire subject that needs our attention but the main point is that we have a social construct in our society around being physically dirty, and this cannot go unnoticed by our subconscious mind.

Last but not least for some people like me, my lover calls me germs conscious instead of germaphobic, because I push myself in some situations to overcome this. But the fact that I have dirty hands, even if it is just dust and nobody died from eating a little bit of dust, for me it is still a hard situation to swallow, pun intended.

But I definitely feel more relaxed after writing this article, which in the end was the main reason for which I wanted to write it in the first place.

What do you think? What activities or experiences have you denied yourself because of the risk of getting dirty?

Hurt souls in perfect bodies

If the body could show the wounds we have in our souls, we would be mutilated and disfigured. And further more, if our bodies would never have the ability to regenerate, we would be a hard image to watch.

But we live in a world where these wounds are invisible, yet we carry them with us along the way. I would call this the modern Dorian Gray mystery: we are so hurt deep down inside, yet our face is neat and smooth.

And we don’t heal, we carry our wounds with us, we take them with us each night when we go to sleep, we take them with us in the shower, we never pack for a holiday and forget to leave them at home, we run in the park with them, we take them at work, at church, and most of all, when we are alone, we know we are carrying them on our backs. But we don’t let go.

Some people’s wounds are just bruises now, some people carry scars all over their souls and some are still open flesh. Some choose to cling to their pain, and have it inside, and indulge in it, being the victim, some fight and struggle like a drowning person desperately reaching for the surface for air, but never make it up, and some are walking calmly now, but the marks never go away.

We never stop being hurt since the day we are born, but I for one, never stop loving life.

I refuse to cling to pain, I refuse to keep those wounds open, just because I don’t have enough forgiveness and love to close them.

But where do we recycle all the pain, where does it go? I don’t want the medicine that time offers, to wait long enough until the memory of the pain is not vividly recalled anymore, and I move on. Moving on does not mean for me cleaning my body, it’s just ignoring that it is dirty still.

I want a smooth, floating, white, radiating, sweet cure, to take care of my wounds, so that I take all the hurt out of my body, out of my mind, out of my soul, and be like a newly born. And I don’t think this is impossible.

And there would be no scars, because I would not leave that hurting to do a permanent damage. I would just let it float inside my body, acknowledge it, embrace it, forgive and love, and breathe in peace.

Can we do that? Can I do that?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAOdlgFJDAI

Words hurt or do they really?

I was having dinner with my lover and I told him to be careful because I put olives in the salad and they have seeds, so he does not hurt his teeth. To which he replied: I KNOW!

I don’t know about you, but hearing these two words bring me to an intense emotional response, so intense, so big, that it almost comes out with a huge burst of rejection, fury, indignation and hurt of the ego.

If I would use the words building inside of me, the conversation would have gone in the lines of this:

„Yeah, sure man, good that you know!! I was only trying to help, you know, show that I care, you don’t have to be so stuck up like this. Yeah, I would definitely not tell you anymore, you can break all your teeth for all I know. Shit, really, this is how you repay kindness, what the fuck, don’t you have manners? Geezus man, just take it and leave it at that, you don’t have to act all superior and shit!”

Obviously, I cannot afford to talk like that, not to a person I care about, not to anyone else. I choose my words, but the anger and the reaction is as strong as the words I cannot allow myself to utter.

It was not the first time it happened, and once we even had a huge fight about it! I kept on telling him just to just be grateful and thank me and leave it there. He would not understand why am I making such a huge thing out of this. Why is my reaction so strong, he only said I know…

So today, it repeated itself, I had the same strong reaction, and we got to the middle of it. He told me that he does not mean any offence, or to hurt me or anything at all. I know means only I know. And as long as he has a good intention, he could use whatever words.

His arguments struck a chord to me, because I also believe that words are just a means of giving a message, and as long as that message, that intention is a positive one, then the choice of words does not matter that much. What matter is the love and genuine care behind the words.

I accept his point of view 100% and understand that I know means just that and nothing more. Thinking about my reaction, I have several trains of thought.

First, I think it is a matter of inferiority/superiority. Since I believe knowledge means power, and power means being superior while lack of knowledge, aka lack of power means inferior, I might take these simple words „I know”, as a sign of superiority from the other person.

Again, if I would use that nagging, criticising voice inside my head, it would turn out like this:

„Seriously, you thought I did not know that? Everybody knows it, you that it is an information that you needed to share because I did not know that piece of information? I know that, and even more than you, I know everything, I don’t need your help, you puny, insignificant human. Please, trouble me with something of real value, don’t make me lose my time with trifles a 3-year-old knows. Got, the horror with these peasants, thinking they know it all when they are so stupid.”

I just let myself go over myself with this inner monologue, but you get the gist. Whenever I would hear these words, I think I would be put in an inferior position while the other person will be superior.

I don’t know where I built this conviction, surely there was an occasion where I genuinely wanted to help, shared an information I thought was not common knowledge, or I did not know before, and was met with an all-knowing attitude which hurt my feelings and made me fell smaller than my thumb.

It does not really matter, as long as I understand that being knowledgeable or not does not measure the worth and the goodness of a human being. It is a desirable asset, which can be accessed by some who are fortunate enough to win the lottery of life of being born in the circumstances to offer him/her the opportunity to receive an education and have the willingness to continue it. But knowing more or less does not make anybody good or bad, it just is as it is.

Secondly, I think the words „I know!” meant to me that my help was not accepted. If my help is refused, then it means that my care is refused. If my care is refused then it means that my love is refused.

Again, if I would give a voice for the small kid inside of me, the conversation in my mind would go something like this:

„He doesn’t want my help, because he does not want to receive it from me. He doesn’t want my care and my love because he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t need anything that I have to offer, I am worthless, I have nothing of value to give, nobody wants my love, I am unworthy of love.”

It sounds far fetched, I did not actually formulate these words in my mind, but I think subconsciously I would come to these absurd conclusions which have nothing to do with reality.

Why is so? Because some words, some phrases, some looks, some gestures, anything can trigger a deeper wound we have, of rejection, of abandonment, of ridicule. And no matter what the other person’s reality or intention is, we get hurt, because we haven’t really healed our previous wounds.

So next time you have a huge, strong reaction towards something, take a deep breath and decide to dive deep and see what your inner dialogue is. As the other person to explain and assure you of their intention so that you can clear out a bit from the intensity, and start explaining what is important for you. What do you think is unmet, is violated, what is hurt inside of you. Where does it come from?

If you can do that, then it is great. If you cannot find answers so easily, take comfort in knowing that you always have the other person to be there for your, to assure you of their love, their care and their good intentions, you just have to open up and ask, talk it through.

I guess in the end, we need to understand that all in all we do not talk with the other ones, but we only talk to ourselves, because what we hear is always an echo of what we can find inside of us.

I know, I know, a long rant, but God, it is needed!

All my love and appreciation for the angel I have in my life!