Words hurt or do they really?

I was having dinner with my lover and I told him to be careful because I put olives in the salad and they have seeds, so he does not hurt his teeth. To which he replied: I KNOW!

I don’t know about you, but hearing these two words bring me to an intense emotional response, so intense, so big, that it almost comes out with a huge burst of rejection, fury, indignation and hurt of the ego.

If I would use the words building inside of me, the conversation would have gone in the lines of this:

„Yeah, sure man, good that you know!! I was only trying to help, you know, show that I care, you don’t have to be so stuck up like this. Yeah, I would definitely not tell you anymore, you can break all your teeth for all I know. Shit, really, this is how you repay kindness, what the fuck, don’t you have manners? Geezus man, just take it and leave it at that, you don’t have to act all superior and shit!”

Obviously, I cannot afford to talk like that, not to a person I care about, not to anyone else. I choose my words, but the anger and the reaction is as strong as the words I cannot allow myself to utter.

It was not the first time it happened, and once we even had a huge fight about it! I kept on telling him just to just be grateful and thank me and leave it there. He would not understand why am I making such a huge thing out of this. Why is my reaction so strong, he only said I know…

So today, it repeated itself, I had the same strong reaction, and we got to the middle of it. He told me that he does not mean any offence, or to hurt me or anything at all. I know means only I know. And as long as he has a good intention, he could use whatever words.

His arguments struck a chord to me, because I also believe that words are just a means of giving a message, and as long as that message, that intention is a positive one, then the choice of words does not matter that much. What matter is the love and genuine care behind the words.

I accept his point of view 100% and understand that I know means just that and nothing more. Thinking about my reaction, I have several trains of thought.

First, I think it is a matter of inferiority/superiority. Since I believe knowledge means power, and power means being superior while lack of knowledge, aka lack of power means inferior, I might take these simple words „I know”, as a sign of superiority from the other person.

Again, if I would use that nagging, criticising voice inside my head, it would turn out like this:

„Seriously, you thought I did not know that? Everybody knows it, you that it is an information that you needed to share because I did not know that piece of information? I know that, and even more than you, I know everything, I don’t need your help, you puny, insignificant human. Please, trouble me with something of real value, don’t make me lose my time with trifles a 3-year-old knows. Got, the horror with these peasants, thinking they know it all when they are so stupid.”

I just let myself go over myself with this inner monologue, but you get the gist. Whenever I would hear these words, I think I would be put in an inferior position while the other person will be superior.

I don’t know where I built this conviction, surely there was an occasion where I genuinely wanted to help, shared an information I thought was not common knowledge, or I did not know before, and was met with an all-knowing attitude which hurt my feelings and made me fell smaller than my thumb.

It does not really matter, as long as I understand that being knowledgeable or not does not measure the worth and the goodness of a human being. It is a desirable asset, which can be accessed by some who are fortunate enough to win the lottery of life of being born in the circumstances to offer him/her the opportunity to receive an education and have the willingness to continue it. But knowing more or less does not make anybody good or bad, it just is as it is.

Secondly, I think the words „I know!” meant to me that my help was not accepted. If my help is refused, then it means that my care is refused. If my care is refused then it means that my love is refused.

Again, if I would give a voice for the small kid inside of me, the conversation in my mind would go something like this:

„He doesn’t want my help, because he does not want to receive it from me. He doesn’t want my care and my love because he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t need anything that I have to offer, I am worthless, I have nothing of value to give, nobody wants my love, I am unworthy of love.”

It sounds far fetched, I did not actually formulate these words in my mind, but I think subconsciously I would come to these absurd conclusions which have nothing to do with reality.

Why is so? Because some words, some phrases, some looks, some gestures, anything can trigger a deeper wound we have, of rejection, of abandonment, of ridicule. And no matter what the other person’s reality or intention is, we get hurt, because we haven’t really healed our previous wounds.

So next time you have a huge, strong reaction towards something, take a deep breath and decide to dive deep and see what your inner dialogue is. As the other person to explain and assure you of their intention so that you can clear out a bit from the intensity, and start explaining what is important for you. What do you think is unmet, is violated, what is hurt inside of you. Where does it come from?

If you can do that, then it is great. If you cannot find answers so easily, take comfort in knowing that you always have the other person to be there for your, to assure you of their love, their care and their good intentions, you just have to open up and ask, talk it through.

I guess in the end, we need to understand that all in all we do not talk with the other ones, but we only talk to ourselves, because what we hear is always an echo of what we can find inside of us.

I know, I know, a long rant, but God, it is needed!

All my love and appreciation for the angel I have in my life!

 

 

Sleep naked

If somebody would have told me half an year ago that I will be sleeping naked, I would have laughed in their face and told them that they don’t really know me. And this is because I used to sleep, no matter the season, with long pants and long sleeved blouse, just because I was cold and could not fall asleep. I literally could not fall asleep unless I had these, it was a nightmare to be someplace where I had forgotten to take them.

There were times when I went to conferences or delegation, and if I forgot a long sleeved blouse, I would need to use a jacket or borrow one from somebody, otherwise I would need to say goodbye to sleep.

All of this changed when my Portuguese lover came to live with me. He is used to sleeping like this, no matter the season. Living alone with him and feeling comfortable to this, I decided to give it a try. And since then, I am a proudly naked sleeper as well 🙂

Ok, ok, you might ask, but why? Yes, there are some benefits, I will share some below.

For a good night sleep, to fall asleep faster and increase your sleep quality our body needs to lower its temperature so clothes keeps us warm when in fact they should not. I don’t have the space to include here ALL the health benegits of a good quality sleep, there are so many!

We also need to be as comfortable as possible, no pants to be tight on our waist, no blouses, no T-shirts.

No matter how large and silky our pyjamas are, they still don’t give that sense of complete freedom as when sleeping without clothes, no seams, no tightness, no tags to scratch your skin.

You leave your skin to feel the smoothness and freshness of the sheets and come to enjoy this feeling, every time you move, the bedsheets and the duvet caressing your whole body, hmmmm, you’re definitely missing this one out.

You build up your body’s resistance to cold, and strengthen it’s capacity to withstand colder temperatures. Why would you want that? So that you are more comfortable during winter, when you are out in the cold and also because the perfect temperature for a good night’s sleep is 17 degrees.

A friend of mine told me about the concept of antifragility concept, you can read more about this in the book Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. Basically it promotes the idea to gradually expose our body and organism to different conditions so that we can ultimately build our resistance. I think sleeping naked is a good point to develop your antifragility.

You don’t need to use so many clothes, especially if you sweat a lot during the night and need to change them every day. So by sleeping naked, you are giving your washing machine a break, you use less water, electricity and detergent, and if you are interested in reducing waste, consumption and supporting a circular economy, maybe this argument will appeal to you.

Amazingly enough, sleeping naked also contributes to your vaginal health since sleeping in tight sweaty underwear created the perfect warm and moist environment for yeast infections.

This is not only beneficial for the ladies, men can avoid infertility and increase the health of their sperm by letting their testicles be cool and air out.

And if we are talking about emotional benefits, well being in contact with your body every night and morning, not hiding it away, not wanting to see it and reject it but rather embrace it every single day improves your connection with your body and thus increases your self esteem!

And of course, I cannot skip over this, imagine how your love life will enhance when every evening you go naked to bed, you can caress and feel the warmth of your lovers’ body, you give your touching sense a feast every time you go to sleep.

And I don’t know if you ever experienced this, but it happened that we both were sleeping, I dreamt of him and we slowly start making love, being half awake, half asleep.

I imagine that if we had our clothes on, until we would have gotten undressed, part of the sensuality of the moment would have gone away. You know that in movies, the sex scenes do not include getting stuck in your pyjamas, clothes fly off with the speed of light 😛

How did I do it? I just let myself give it a try. I started out in the summer but now I can do it every season, some days when I have my period I feel like having something but the long sleeves and pants are not mandatory anymore.

And because I wanted to develop my antifragility and all the reasons above were a huge motivator, but mostly because I saw my lover do it, I thought that if he can do it then I should be able to do it too. And I did! And I am proud and happy about it.

What about you? How do you sleep? Have you ever considered sleeping naked? Give it a try, what have you got to lose?

Life in the savanna

Last night, at a certain moment I abruptly threw away the duvet with which I was covering myself. Since I had recently started to sleep naked, what followed suit was nothing less than an excerpt from an Animal Planet show…

A young gazelle got separated from its’ herd. The lack of experience made it daydream and wander off until it reached a clearing, with no tall grass to offer it the much needed refuge.

Finally becoming aware of the danger, it soon realised that a young cheetah had just spotted it. In a matter of seconds, the course of its’ life has been sealed. Before everything started, there was a moment when their eyes interlocked, the gazelles’ full of paralysing fear, the cheetahs’ eyes full of focus and determination.

A moment of silence and deep apprehension before the storm would lash out…

The cheetah was much too far away to be able to stand a chance but deliberating is not one of its’ most lethal weapon, whereas speed is. Not a moment later, the decision was taken and the hot pursuit started.

The cheetah jumped from within the tall grass and pushed its’ body to the limits with every single lunge taken. The gazelle spent a second more in a mere stupor, not being able to react and that might have been its’ fatal mistake. Soon after, it started making long, forceful jumps, trying to put more distance between the hungry and the innocent, the predator and its’s pray.

It was just a matter of time before the cheetah would annihilate the space between them, one thrust at a time. One final jump and its’ jaws dug deep in the gazelles’ behind, teeth following soon after. Teeth and claws digging deep, the cheetah was dragged like this several meters raising a tornado of dust to encircle the dance of death.

One expert move of a paw put in front of the gazelles’ back legs and it came crushing down full speed, maximum impact, with a thud resounding in the whole savannah.

Upon reaching the ground, the cheetah lost no time and it was already towering over it, teeth deep down in its’ jugular, jaws tight as the deadliest of traps. Several futile attempts of the young victim to release itself from the enduring grip with spasmodic jumps were met with the unflinching determination. The immobility of the chetah was calming like almost telling it’s victim: Shush, quiet now, don’t struggle anymore, it will all be over soon!

When the gazelle finally gave her last breath and moan, and once teeth were released, blood came gushing out with a torrent of useless adrenaline. The cheetah triumphed and will get to live another day.

Mark my words my friends, you are never safe when sleeping with a predator. I stand wide awake, writing these lines at candlelight whereas deep sleep is taking place one meter away from me.

Needless to say, by the time it was all over, I got to wake up completely, a question persisting in my head. What the hell was I dreaming about that it made me throw away my duvet?

A mothers’ love

Listen to this before starting to read.

A mothers’ love is relentless. It does not quiver, does not falter, not for a single moment. As long as her breaths come and go into this world, her love for her child is there, ever present, ever caring.

A mothers’ love shines the brightest light even in the darkest of corners, even in the deepest of despairs, guiding her child to return to the safety of her bosom, to the calming rhythm of her beating heart.

A mothers’ love is beyond any effort, any pain, any hardness. A mother would go till the end of the world for her children, fight for them even in the most terrible circumstances with the most atrocious powers or evil. A mother is a tower, standing in the way of everything and everybody, holding on until her last breath.

A mothers’ love is like a force of nature, as strong as a torrent coming down on anything which harms her baby, as calming as a soft summer breeze caressing you, slightly lifting you up and as warm as the sun rays gently kissing your eyelids, as you close your eyes and lift your arms up to the sky.

A mothers’ heart rejoices with the happiness of her children and aches beyond measure with their tears. Like a lioness, defending her cubs, with her life, a mother is always there for the life she has brought into this world.

A mothers’ love is pure and accepting, embracing all of our flaws, all of our fears and all of our failings.  A mothers’ love welcomes us in our utmost frailty, nurturing us to become the spark of divine she knows we are meant to be.

A mothers’ love is the music which touches our heart wherever we may be and wherever we may roam. A mothers’ love will walk alongside of us, guiding each of our steps if we are quiet enough to hear it, until our very last days on earth.

There is no love and no bond in the world stronger and more beautiful than a mothers’ love.