In loving memory of Basil

I started my day understanding that David, a dear high school colleague of mine, is no longer with us on this earth. His journey is a story about being loved without measure by the people around him. Today I decided to consciously honor him for the beautiful human being he was and still is in my heart.

I allowed myself to sleep in and I woke up today only at 10AM. I thought that it was already Monday and I started to ask details about the visit to the salt mines. Only to realize that it was Sunday and three of the women with whom I live with were already gone for a walk on the mountain.

I was upset because they did not tell me that they were planning to go, as I would have joined them. Nonetheless, I was determined to make the most of my last days here in Kuartango. Vipassana helped me not to be upset anymore and to find solutions towards what I want.

Furthermore, when I found out that David is making his way up to heavens, I knew I wanted to have this time to be by myself, on my own, to go to the top of the mountain and just listen to music. His sudden departure made me realize how beautiful and fragile life is.

So I asked my Polish breaksister Hania to show me how to follow the hiking trail on the map, the hike which goes around the peak line of the mountains behind our house. When she finished explaining, I was confident that I am not going to lose my way.

And I also asked Natasha to lend me her external battery. @Alex at first I wrote borrow and then I remembered the lesson from Natasha and corrected myself. Amazing how much we learn from each other and how fast we implement.

I am very proud that I challenged myself to go alone on the mountain for the very first time. And this is due to the beautiful gift David has given me, to fully live and be present in this day. Be myself, my true self, above anything else!

After I came back from the mountain, I exchanged my room with Nunzia. I was talking with Luis on the phone I needed to end to conversation so that I can start with the moving and he asked me why are we switching rooms.

And I told him that for the 6 women living in our house, we have 4 single rooms and a double room and since we wanted everybody to have equal time spent in a single room, every week two of us would switch to live in the double room.

When Luis heard this he was impressed, by the way we decided to proceed so that everybody enjoys this experience as much as possible. He then proceed to say: ” Women should be ruling the world. There would be so much collaboration and everybody will be taken care of.

Note to self: When I really want it, I can find the most beneficial solution for everybody involved. When I take care of others, others take care of me. Ubuntu!

After changing the room, I did some Portuguese lessons, I wanted to advance in my league. But then I thought about the talk I had with Luis on the phone and I remembered that I wanted to talk with my parents as well.

So I chose instead of doing more language lessons, to connect with the ones whom I cannot thank enough that they brought me into this world: my mom and my dad. We had a sincere, deep, loving and caring talk, I really love them a lot and David has showed me how much I want to be with them for as much time possible.

Because I can still enjoy their presence in my life and on this world and this is one of the most beautiful gifts life is still giving me, day by day, and I am not taking it for granted anymore.

By the time I finished talking with my parents, my beautiful Break sisters had already cooked and set up the table for dinner. At almost every dinner together with the women with whom I received the Break Fellowship 2022, the European female entrepreneurs fellowship in Spain, I proposed to them that we do a blessing before eating.

At tonight’s dinner, I thanked Natasha for making a delicious vegan salad and setting up the table, Nunzia for making foccacia for us, it was the first time she tried to make this recipe, Anja for preparing a salad of tasty potatoes and to Alex for making us a dessert – vegan brownies, it would have been sugar-free if the cocoa powder didn’t have sugar, but she said that she would take it into account next time so that I can eat as well.

How did I feel? Sustained, without having to contribute in an equal amount but contribute equally when I realize that we all do things from the heart for our family and that we truly live together the Ubuntu philosophy.

I thank Renata Petre for helping me to connect with gratefulness before going to sleep. I now see how much I have recently managed to incorporate gratitude and appreciation into my everyday life, and this is also because I am surrounded by absolutely exceptional people!

And I thank myself for the proposal to watch Samsara together, an absolutely wonderful documentary about people, life, death, human nature, the cyclicity of life and and so many important social causes to discuss.

You can find it here:

https://www.documentarymania.com/video/Samsara/

This is the invitation message I sent to the Break women , you can copy it and organise a screening with your friends and family and take this opportunity to discuss about life and death:

`Hey ladies, we are inviting you this evening at 20:45 to watch a movie that I am proposing.

The movie is called Samsara and it is one of the most beautiful movies I know about human existence, life on this earth and the beauty of life, with the good and the bad.

See you soon! 😘

Samsara is a non-narrative documentary by Ron Fricke exploring the marvels of the world and the richness of the human experience. Filmed across twenty-five countries over a five-year period and acclaimed for its mesmerising visuals and music, it captures both the tedious and the miraculous and the greatest depths of human spirituality.

Samsara is a Sanskrit word meaning ‘the ever-turning wheel of life’, an expression which perfectly describes the interconnectedness of the human lifecycle. Combining scenes of both destruction and renaissance, the film illustrates the ties between mankind and nature and how our lifecycle is in tune with the rhythm of the earth.`

I invited also the rest of the women living in the other house if they want to watch the movie with us. Since they were still considering whether to work or come join us to watch Samsara, this is the message I sent to them:

“Today one of my highschool colleagues died. I am telling you this because last time I talked with him, I have the impression he was sharing that he is working too much. And so, on the walk I had on the mountain, by myself, I thought what his departure is bringing into my life.

And what is alive in me right now is the desire and the unshakeable awareness that I want to enjoy life, as my way to honour the time I am still given every day.

Yes, this means working on the projects which fulfill me, yes this means spending time with the people I love, yes this means being a force for good, for myself, for the ones around me, for all people and the planet.

In the time we have left here, together in Kuartango, I am accepting a lot of hugs, beceause I need as many as I can get”.

They all hugged me and I felt that they were with me, supporting me to honour David’s touch on my life. When the movie finished I told them that I dedicate this momemt to David because he helped me live the most beautiful, intense, alive day of my life. 

May you have a peaceful journey to infinite love David!

P.S. The music I was listening on repeat the whole time I was hiking is *Sri Kala – Surrender*

You have here the link to listen to them whenever you need a reminder of how precious life is.

I wanted to send you also the lyrics of the song, but I searched on google and apparently the lyrics are not uploaded anywhere. Anybody feels like contributing with this?

Instead, here is a nice article to read about this band and start following them.

https://iskconnews.org/srikala-album-beautiful-dark-moon-not-afraid-to-show-vulnerable-side/

Journaling prompts for the day:

• When was the last time you said thank you? To whom did you tell it and for what?
• Did you get to honor the people you love? The people who are still with you or have gone to a field beyond good or evil? How did you do that? If you did not get to honour them, what would you do to keep their memory alive?

Would love to hear from you in the comments.

All the love, all the wonder!

Fear is not the enemy

I have been climbing for the past several days with a group of more advanced climbers. This means that I had to push myself and overcome a lot of fear, especially since it was my first time actually climbing and especially since I started out with some more advanced routes as well.

I had to deal with the fear of falling, hitting myself against the hard rock, the fear of hurting myself and ultimately the fear of not being good enough, not trusting my capacities that I can actually do it, especially since I the first routes that I tried were not for beginners.

If we think that learning, growth and evolution happens outside of our comfort zone and that outside of our comfort zone is full of fear, uncertainty and little to no control, then it means that we should befriend fear and uncertainty.

If we view it this way then it means that fear and uncertainty are the leading path to growth and evolution.

I am making these connections based on two quotes that speak to me so much. One of them goes in the lines of considering that courage is not the absence of fear but acting from a place of fear and overcoming it because there is something more important to us on the other side.

The other one says that we should not wish that our circumstances or context were easier but rather wish that we were better so that we can accept and overcome the challenge which lays ahead of us.

This means that whenever we might feel fear of something we should be attracted to explore more. I think that fear indicates that the very thing we are fearing might require capabilities that we do not yet possess and here is the potential to develop.

Sometimes, when we are at the brim of our abilities, it just takes a little push to overcome it and be on the other side of fear where we know we have all the resources we need in order to succeed. We just need to take a leap of faith, we need to dive deep into what scares us.

Having this is mind, I want to share how I tackled all of this. Near the camping area we have this beautiful lake which has two jumping points, one from a wooden plank which is probably 1m and the other one is from a rock which is probably 2-2.5m.

First of all, I challenged myself to try the smaller one. I was afraid of slipping on the wet wood, the plank was moving and as I jumped I let out a big scream. I would say that it was the sound of fear coming out of my body and leaving me.

Next step for me was to go on the rock, knowing that I could check the intermediary step and I was not hurt. When I was at the edge of the rock it looked so scary that I was sitting there for a while.

I decided I will need to work a little bit more on my confidence. So I jumped several more times from the smaller distance so that I begin more and more comfortable with it.

Then, I just took the time to observe the other people jumping. Boys and girls, the boys had longer limbs than I did and that made me feel fine since the water was not so deep and the main fear was first of height and secondly of hitting myself from the bottom of the lake.

What really made it for me was when I saw a little girl jumping and that was the point of no return for me. I had to do it.

The only thing standing in my way was my own fear and I knew I needed to train to overcome my fear of falling so that I can be a better climber. I had a strong purpose for it, beside proving to myself that I can do it and building my confidence.

So I went up the second time, took a look and it was still scary. I figured out that if I go a little bit behind, I would not see the whole distance. I was set on doing it, I just needed to do the first step. Started running and just jumped. Again, the loudest scream came out, but in the end I was all right.

So what matters, from my own experience, when you are trying to overcome fear are the following aspects:

– Have a clear goal in mind and know why you want to do it, what is waiting for you on the other side

– Try something gradually and continue with a harder and then even harder version. Each time you build your confidence even more

– Observe other people doing it, see how they do it, what is their technique, observe their experience and learn from it

– Identify what would be a point of no return for you and put yourself in that position. Once you will be there, the only way to get out of it is to just do that thing which scares you

– Know that everything changes and nothing stands still. What can grow, can live and what stands still gradually dies

What is your experience with fear? How do you manage it?

Being dirty is not for everybody

But it definitely can be 🙂

One of my passions is hiking, so I have been to a lot of places in the mountains camping.

Let’s face it, the conditions are far from being 5 stars when you bring only the bare necessities, no shower, no running water at your disposal.

Recently I have started climbing also, and the area we are now in Portugal is near a forest which burned down, so there is also a lot of dust.

This means getting my hands dirty because I touch all the rocks, and when I am the one on the ground assuring somebody else climbing, then I touch all the rope which in turn is also dirty.

Since we only brought water to drink, I had no way to wash my hands and this created a lot of inner distress. And I started thinking about this and why is it so, why are not the others bothered at all by this and they can eat a carrot with their hands completely dirty, not blinking an eye.

First of all, I think it has to do with how our parents educated us but I think this is specifically prevalent for girls. Girls are told since they are young not to dirty their cute little dresses but boys can go with the bike and come back completely covered in mud.

I am exaggerating, but you get the point. Girls grow up with the idea that they need to be clean, because they need to be presentable. In today’s society, looks for a woman are still more important than adventure, fun, trying different things. So this is still a strong gender stereotype that we have not completely overcome.

Secondly, I think it has something to do with social status. I was always ashamed if I would wear something and I would realise it has a whole in it or it is dirty. Because my mom was always careful to make sure that my clothes wouldn’t have any tear nor wear , were dirty or even creased, lest the neighbours or other people might see me and it would be shameful. I always fought and rebelled against it.

I guess the root of this would be that the people judging me by my clothes might have considered that I am a poor person, and this would bring shame to my mother.

Honestly, from my point of view, there is no indication of a person’s value as a human being by the clothes he or she chooses to wear, only a clue about their personal style and what they are into. This has to do with aspect and our fear of not being liked, not being accepted.

But there is a more deeper reason to why we might avert from getting dirty: religion! I know, I know, it is the big stuff, but bear with me. Every single prayer, every single sermon has a paragraph, has a moment where people are repeatedly told that they sinners. That their soul is not clean and pure, that it is dirty.

And this is even more prevalent when it comes to women, starting with Eve who committed the capital sin and „made” Adam do it as well, and continuing to all the references to women being the temptation for men and a sure way to sin.

A flirtatious woman might be considered a dirty woman if she says the same “dirty” jokes a man would. Or even a man, because sex is a dirty thing unless it is used for procreation. And all of this seeds planted in our minds make us avert from being dirty. We need to be presentable so that we keep the appearance of a clean soul also. A little bit dorian-gray-ish.

As a preteen, I was really religious and I was taking pleasure from going to church. But once I got my menstruation, I was told that it is a sin to enter the church, that I should stay only in the first part of the church.

I cannot tell you how much this hurt me to hear, a place that was dear to me, close to my heart, and I was denied to enter because of bleeding, when it was not bothering anyone in anyway.

This and other things made me lose my respect for the church but this is not the topic here. The main idea is that religion makes women feel dirty because of their denied sexuality, because of their beautiful womb, the birthplace of human life.

And if that does not highly impact the way a woman or a man feels about getting dirty, in any context, it means they are not religious or they did a lot of inner work. FYI, after being older, I went to church while having my menstruation and miraculously, the church did not fall on my poor sinner’s head.

And if we continue in this line, there are entire parts of the modern population which are considered untouchable and suffer from severe discrimination, and all because they are considered to be dirty.

They are ostracised and segregated from the rest of the population due to their occupation which were and in some areas of the world are still considered polluting activities. These activities include being fishermen, sweepers, washermen or manual scavengers.

It is an entire subject that needs our attention but the main point is that we have a social construct in our society around being physically dirty, and this cannot go unnoticed by our subconscious mind.

Last but not least for some people like me, my lover calls me germs conscious instead of germaphobic, because I push myself in some situations to overcome this. But the fact that I have dirty hands, even if it is just dust and nobody died from eating a little bit of dust, for me it is still a hard situation to swallow, pun intended.

But I definitely feel more relaxed after writing this article, which in the end was the main reason for which I wanted to write it in the first place.

What do you think? What activities or experiences have you denied yourself because of the risk of getting dirty?

Victories journal

On the 12th of June I proposed a coaching client of mine to write her daily victories. I have had the practice of writing in my journal almost every single evening for some years now but I had my mind on the victories journal for a while. Because I wanted to encourage her to practice it, I decided that the best chance to achieve it is to do it alongside her.

I would like to share with you how this process went so far and I hope that you will be inspired to take upon this amazing practice.

Initially I started writing only for the week days, leaving the weekend off. But going through the notes, I saw that from the 1st of July I have started to share it every single day, with 2-3 exceptions.

I guess this came naturally, without proposing myself to do so. Because I considered that victories are all the things we do in life, they do not resume only for working days. And every day needs to be celebrated with what it brings and what it has to offer.

And secondly, I started taking a lot of value from it. The time I spend to go through the day and focus on the good things is a routine I started to care deeply for, so the practice shifted from “I have to do it” to “I want to do it”

This shift is a tremendous breakthrough with every habit you are trying to implement. First you have to try it for 1-2 or 3 weeks in a consistent manner so that you can see what you are taking out of it, what is the added value it brings into your life and how it makes you feel, how it changes you.nThis way, you will decide to stick to it, because you are gaining so much from it that you find you have too much to lose when you don’t do it.

What happened next, as the practice advanced, it that I started to switch from victories related to what I have done to victories related to what I have learned, how did I feel, what attitudes/convictions I adopted.

During quarantine, I have been writing a lot in my journal about switching from doing/having to being. Focusing on the life I live and not so much on the things I do, I achieve, it helps me to bring more awareness to my inner universe and how it reflects on the outside. This started to change the way I wrote in my victories journal.

Another beautiful thing I started in the last week of July is that I added a photo from the ones I took on that day, I want it to remind me of what that day looked like for me.

And this started creating even more pleasure to write in the victories journal, seeing all the good things and a beautiful photo, it looks amazing.

A means of higher commitment

Moreover, the victories journal has become also a commitment and responsibility tool toward the habits of challenges I take upon each month. I will mention some of them here as well:

1. Make sure I reach my optimal level of hydration. Alongside nutrition, sleep, exercises and the quality of air, hydration play an important role in my health and I make sure that I drink the best quality and therapeutic alkaline water

2. Since mid June when I started the victories journal, I started the challenge to eat no sugar and no dairy. It was on and off but July was completely without it. As well without caffeine, nicotine, alcohol or any other unprescribed drugs.

3. On 20th of July I proposed myself to write one article a day on my blog, or invest time to write other creative work, or transcribe previous work to be ready to publish it. Happy to say that I only missed one day so far and getting stronger in my commitment as the days pass, even though it gets harder as well.

4. On the 1st of August I set out to see the sunrise every day and run for 5km to reach the place. The hardest part so far is going to sleep at 22:00.

So all of these newly implemented routines I write them every day as a victory, and every day I celebrate the fact that I managed to keep my commitment.

Tips for starting a victories journal

This has been my experience so far, I would like to give you some tips in case you are thinking of giving this a try:

• I use my phone, a simple note taking app which you have from your phone will do, it is more accessible to me, before going to sleep, I do not want to open my laptop, nor do I fill fit to use my journal for this, my journal is dedicate to soul searching, answering big questions. But again, find that medium which best suits you, you should be comfortable writing so that there is no friction and no excuses there;
• Just commit to write initially 3 victories for the first week, then increase it to 5, and so on. Of course, if you feel like writing more, don’t stop by all means, but commit to it, don’t let a day pass without writing something down;
• No matter how bad a day was, there will always be something good in it, there will always be a reason to be grateful, a reason to be thankful for something which has happened, something you learned, even the smallest of victory counts, the fact that you got out of bed, etc.
• The fact that I had a partner with which I share my victories makes me stick to this no matter what. Our commitment increases when we make public our intention or when we can build an accountability system. Pick a friend, start sharing your victories, the way you will bond and relate to one another will incredibly enhance;
• Add photos to make it more interesting, make it more visual appealing and to feel even more connected to this practice, maybe just some text to scroll down is not so enticing, but I guarantee you that you will find it amazing to be able to see how your day looked like.

The benefits of keeping a victories journal

would like to mention the benefits I have felt with this practice but I am sure that with each person, there will be different things to enjoy from this practice. so here it goes:

• The most important one, you educate your mind to think positively, to see the full half of the glass, since we are champions of seeing only the negative, criticising and thinking that only bad things happen to us, that we cannot do anything, that all is bad, etc;
• You increase your self esteem by connecting each day with the things you managed to do, managed to solve, sometimes we are running so hard to finish that endless to do list, that at the end of the day we might feel that we have not achieved much. Take a closer look. Your self trust is connected with the sense of accomplishment and achievement, keeping your promises to yourself and to others;
• More commitment towards your life, your objective, for being productive, proficient, making the best out of each day. Just the simple fact that you have in mind that you need to write down those victories and send them to somebody at the end of the day makes you go and do things. And the more you achieve, the more you get energy, motivation and momentum to achieve even more, it creates a beautiful upwards spiral;
• You connect to a deeper level with a person with whom you choose to share your victories. Having a person knowing what is important to you, what you are striving for, what you want to achieve, and how your days look like is a powerful vulnerability exercise on one hand, and on the other hand, it is a beautiful way to let yourself be seen deeply be somebody else.
• I started sharing my victories with my lover as well and I realised it has a tremendous impact n the way we relate, the way we understand each other, building a closer and stronger relationship, by letting him see how my day has beed. A sort of checking out of the day with a lot of information to share. Sometimes he shares also and it makes it all even better since I also get the chance to see what matters to him, to understand him better, and why not, be able to support him in whatever is important to him.
• I am planning at the end of the month to print all the victories, and have a retrospective of my month, this way the planning of the next month will go much smoother, and also I will be able to have a beautiful account of my year, when it is time to review what has happened in the last 12 months and plan the year ahead. And it is also a nice way of being able to remember the life you lived each day of the year;
• And also, it is an amazing way to celebrate the life and the fulfilment and the growing in each day, week, month or year.

I hope that I have you enough reason to want to give it a try. Let me know in the comments what do you think of it, and if you will give it a chance.

A day in my victories journal

If you are interested how would a daily entry would be in my victories journal, I leave you here with one example, with no editing whatsoever, so you can see what my daily victories are.

Some are small, some are not, it does not matter, just write what makes your heart sing and what you are proud of. This day was the last day of my stay in Portugal, and I am glad how it went.

Victories 29th of August 2020

– woke up and started the 5AM Club meeting at 6AM, was ready in the car to leave for the sunrise, it is hard to have a meeting on the road but extreme circumstances call for extreme measures

– I kept my positive attitude even though I was waiting in the car for 20 minutes and realising we were not starting and not knowing why, being pressed by time to reach the place we sought for seeing the sunrise, kept my cool when we had to turn back to take Luis’s laptop charger, when we went on a road not knowing where we are going, when the most important part of the meeting came and I had to persuade my team mates and the car was beeping loudly because we were going in reverse so I had to stop talking, I am really proud of my attitude towards all the bottlenecks

– I enjoyed the sunrise and tried to take as much as possible from it, feel the fresh air, see the beautiful light, even though I was just standing in the middle of the road

– when we were about to go, because a car was waiting, I faked that I was pushing the car, I realise that I am starting not to take life so seriously and have a positive attitude about it, laugh and take everything lightly, the guys from the other car immediately came out of the car to help out and they laughed when i told them it was a joke

– tried to lighten Luis’s mood and I think he was stressed about how I would react about not seeing the sunrise, we had planned for the last sunrise a really beautiful location, and I assured him that I understand and I am not at all upset because I proposed myself to have this attitude, whatever it may come

– had breakfast at home and pancakes and we could properly say goodbye, so in the end it had positive sides the fact that we could not go to Lisbon

– told Luis that I am there for him, he was in a bad mood and slowly he also started to smile again, I am glad I can be there for him in this way

– met with Amalia and saw some graffiti, had an interesting conversation about facial hair and about my insecurity with it so I decided to do a Frida Khalo experiment

– recorded with Amalia a video for my coaching client Carmen because I had the idea to organise a femininity and sexuality empowerment retreat together and she replied with a video as well and was excited about idea, said that I am a treasure and it went to my heart to hear her appreciation. Amalia was also letting me lead the process completely trusting the way I can facilitate it

– had a really good talk about Luis’s flatmate and about the situation where Alex had to move and we cleared out together some big topics, issues and I am freaking proud of myself for my maturity, for my approach, for my openness and this is all due to the 4 Agreements book

– went to an Indian restaurant and had a really delicious lunch. Two sauces were with sugar and yogurt and I am glad I asked about it and refrained from eating since I am on a no sugar, no dairy diet. I also consciously chose not to eat meat, just vegetables and that is also a win.

– got to see some more super amazing graffiti and Luis was really making this happen for me and it was such a happy filled experience for me, I really do love murals and he was great for taking care of everything

– said goodbye to Rosario and she really got to me, made me emotional, in this visit she started to grow on me, I even had a moment when I was reminiscing her embrace, and it felt so good, almost felt like she was my mom

– satisfied about the video I sent to Diana about getting things done, no excuses, and make sure she strives to do her best. I had it in my mind to send it since yesterday and I am glad I found the time/emotional availability to send it

– read 40 pages from the practical guide of the 4 Agreements and it is feeling amazing, completely life changing, wrote 8 pages of journaling answers,I will be writing a separate post with these ones as well

– gave Luis my buff and pillow so that he can sleep well, and was jumping over him in the plane when I was going to the toilet, not bother his sleep, I wanted him to rest and felt happy that I can help him, he really needed and deserved it completely

– took all the precautions with disinfection on the plane, in the airport, made sure I kept my distance and tried not to touch anything, nor my face with my hands.

– realised that I had actually managed to resist eating for 2 weeks pasteis de nata which is my favourite dessert from Portugal and the awesome good cheese I discovered there. There were some moments when I wanted to, but I didn’t! And this is a mega win for me!

– reestablished the interview with Elena and the time frame is more achievable this way for both of us, I want to ensure we both have good experience and we enjoy recording it

– Answered Iunia about my bio as Integration Game facilitator and I am glad I am part of this team, and I will be able to impact communities to have deeper and more authentic conversations

– no sugar, no dairy day, achieved my daily water intake

See below the photo I have chosen for this day to include in my victories journal, with the beautiful graffiti I got to see in Lisbon, this one was made by a Romanian artist, Nicolae Negură, depicting the reality of wearing different masks in our online presence.

I hope this inspires you to start your own victories journal! So don’t wait to much, start writing today like there is no tomorrow!

Words hurt or do they really?

I was having dinner with my lover and I told him to be careful because I put olives in the salad and they have seeds, so he does not hurt his teeth. To which he replied: I KNOW!

I don’t know about you, but hearing these two words bring me to an intense emotional response, so intense, so big, that it almost comes out with a huge burst of rejection, fury, indignation and hurt of the ego.

If I would use the words building inside of me, the conversation would have gone in the lines of this:

„Yeah, sure man, good that you know!! I was only trying to help, you know, show that I care, you don’t have to be so stuck up like this. Yeah, I would definitely not tell you anymore, you can break all your teeth for all I know. Shit, really, this is how you repay kindness, what the fuck, don’t you have manners? Geezus man, just take it and leave it at that, you don’t have to act all superior and shit!”

Obviously, I cannot afford to talk like that, not to a person I care about, not to anyone else. I choose my words, but the anger and the reaction is as strong as the words I cannot allow myself to utter.

It was not the first time it happened, and once we even had a huge fight about it! I kept on telling him just to just be grateful and thank me and leave it there. He would not understand why am I making such a huge thing out of this. Why is my reaction so strong, he only said I know…

So today, it repeated itself, I had the same strong reaction, and we got to the middle of it. He told me that he does not mean any offence, or to hurt me or anything at all. I know means only I know. And as long as he has a good intention, he could use whatever words.

His arguments struck a chord to me, because I also believe that words are just a means of giving a message, and as long as that message, that intention is a positive one, then the choice of words does not matter that much. What matter is the love and genuine care behind the words.

I accept his point of view 100% and understand that I know means just that and nothing more. Thinking about my reaction, I have several trains of thought.

First, I think it is a matter of inferiority/superiority. Since I believe knowledge means power, and power means being superior while lack of knowledge, aka lack of power means inferior, I might take these simple words „I know”, as a sign of superiority from the other person.

Again, if I would use that nagging, criticising voice inside my head, it would turn out like this:

„Seriously, you thought I did not know that? Everybody knows it, you that it is an information that you needed to share because I did not know that piece of information? I know that, and even more than you, I know everything, I don’t need your help, you puny, insignificant human. Please, trouble me with something of real value, don’t make me lose my time with trifles a 3-year-old knows. Got, the horror with these peasants, thinking they know it all when they are so stupid.”

I just let myself go over myself with this inner monologue, but you get the gist. Whenever I would hear these words, I think I would be put in an inferior position while the other person will be superior.

I don’t know where I built this conviction, surely there was an occasion where I genuinely wanted to help, shared an information I thought was not common knowledge, or I did not know before, and was met with an all-knowing attitude which hurt my feelings and made me fell smaller than my thumb.

It does not really matter, as long as I understand that being knowledgeable or not does not measure the worth and the goodness of a human being. It is a desirable asset, which can be accessed by some who are fortunate enough to win the lottery of life of being born in the circumstances to offer him/her the opportunity to receive an education and have the willingness to continue it. But knowing more or less does not make anybody good or bad, it just is as it is.

Secondly, I think the words „I know!” meant to me that my help was not accepted. If my help is refused, then it means that my care is refused. If my care is refused then it means that my love is refused.

Again, if I would give a voice for the small kid inside of me, the conversation in my mind would go something like this:

„He doesn’t want my help, because he does not want to receive it from me. He doesn’t want my care and my love because he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t need anything that I have to offer, I am worthless, I have nothing of value to give, nobody wants my love, I am unworthy of love.”

It sounds far fetched, I did not actually formulate these words in my mind, but I think subconsciously I would come to these absurd conclusions which have nothing to do with reality.

Why is so? Because some words, some phrases, some looks, some gestures, anything can trigger a deeper wound we have, of rejection, of abandonment, of ridicule. And no matter what the other person’s reality or intention is, we get hurt, because we haven’t really healed our previous wounds.

So next time you have a huge, strong reaction towards something, take a deep breath and decide to dive deep and see what your inner dialogue is. As the other person to explain and assure you of their intention so that you can clear out a bit from the intensity, and start explaining what is important for you. What do you think is unmet, is violated, what is hurt inside of you. Where does it come from?

If you can do that, then it is great. If you cannot find answers so easily, take comfort in knowing that you always have the other person to be there for your, to assure you of their love, their care and their good intentions, you just have to open up and ask, talk it through.

I guess in the end, we need to understand that all in all we do not talk with the other ones, but we only talk to ourselves, because what we hear is always an echo of what we can find inside of us.

I know, I know, a long rant, but God, it is needed!

All my love and appreciation for the angel I have in my life!

 

 

Sleep naked

If somebody would have told me half an year ago that I will be sleeping naked, I would have laughed in their face and told them that they don’t really know me. And this is because I used to sleep, no matter the season, with long pants and long sleeved blouse, just because I was cold and could not fall asleep. I literally could not fall asleep unless I had these, it was a nightmare to be someplace where I had forgotten to take them.

There were times when I went to conferences or delegation, and if I forgot a long sleeved blouse, I would need to use a jacket or borrow one from somebody, otherwise I would need to say goodbye to sleep.

All of this changed when my Portuguese lover came to live with me. He is used to sleeping like this, no matter the season. Living alone with him and feeling comfortable to this, I decided to give it a try. And since then, I am a proudly naked sleeper as well 🙂

Ok, ok, you might ask, but why? Yes, there are some benefits, I will share some below.

For a good night sleep, to fall asleep faster and increase your sleep quality our body needs to lower its temperature so clothes keeps us warm when in fact they should not. I don’t have the space to include here ALL the health benegits of a good quality sleep, there are so many!

We also need to be as comfortable as possible, no pants to be tight on our waist, no blouses, no T-shirts.

No matter how large and silky our pyjamas are, they still don’t give that sense of complete freedom as when sleeping without clothes, no seams, no tightness, no tags to scratch your skin.

You leave your skin to feel the smoothness and freshness of the sheets and come to enjoy this feeling, every time you move, the bedsheets and the duvet caressing your whole body, hmmmm, you’re definitely missing this one out.

You build up your body’s resistance to cold, and strengthen it’s capacity to withstand colder temperatures. Why would you want that? So that you are more comfortable during winter, when you are out in the cold and also because the perfect temperature for a good night’s sleep is 17 degrees.

A friend of mine told me about the concept of antifragility concept, you can read more about this in the book Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. Basically it promotes the idea to gradually expose our body and organism to different conditions so that we can ultimately build our resistance. I think sleeping naked is a good point to develop your antifragility.

You don’t need to use so many clothes, especially if you sweat a lot during the night and need to change them every day. So by sleeping naked, you are giving your washing machine a break, you use less water, electricity and detergent, and if you are interested in reducing waste, consumption and supporting a circular economy, maybe this argument will appeal to you.

Amazingly enough, sleeping naked also contributes to your vaginal health since sleeping in tight sweaty underwear created the perfect warm and moist environment for yeast infections.

This is not only beneficial for the ladies, men can avoid infertility and increase the health of their sperm by letting their testicles be cool and air out.

And if we are talking about emotional benefits, well being in contact with your body every night and morning, not hiding it away, not wanting to see it and reject it but rather embrace it every single day improves your connection with your body and thus increases your self esteem!

And of course, I cannot skip over this, imagine how your love life will enhance when every evening you go naked to bed, you can caress and feel the warmth of your lovers’ body, you give your touching sense a feast every time you go to sleep.

And I don’t know if you ever experienced this, but it happened that we both were sleeping, I dreamt of him and we slowly start making love, being half awake, half asleep.

I imagine that if we had our clothes on, until we would have gotten undressed, part of the sensuality of the moment would have gone away. You know that in movies, the sex scenes do not include getting stuck in your pyjamas, clothes fly off with the speed of light 😛

How did I do it? I just let myself give it a try. I started out in the summer but now I can do it every season, some days when I have my period I feel like having something but the long sleeves and pants are not mandatory anymore.

And because I wanted to develop my antifragility and all the reasons above were a huge motivator, but mostly because I saw my lover do it, I thought that if he can do it then I should be able to do it too. And I did! And I am proud and happy about it.

What about you? How do you sleep? Have you ever considered sleeping naked? Give it a try, what have you got to lose?

The sun and I

The month of August is the month where I am going to see the sunrise every morning. The spot that I chose to do it is somewhere at the outskirts of the city, where there is a field laying in front of me and I can see the mountains all around.

Since it is mid summer, the sun rises at about 06:10 and in order to get there, I wake up at 05:15, get dressed, run for 2.5 km and then I just have to wait. This challenge is a part of the 30 Challenges to Enlightenment I am currently following, the previous month I had to refrain from alcohol, nicotine or caffeine or any other unprescribed drugs, and I added sugar and dairy to the list.

The reason why I am writing this article is to share with you my love for catching the sunrise. Even if it is that early in the morning, I gain so much more in return of my effort. Here are some of the reasons that might make you give it a try as well:

• I wake up with a purpose in mind, and this helps me start the day with a determined mindset, because I have already taken the decision that no matter what happens, this month I will see the sunrise every… single… day!

• Every day I succeed in doing so, it adds to build my commitment and my discipline, because every time we achieve what we set out to do, we build that sense of commitment even stronger and when we respect our promises to ourselves we grow even stronger in our resolve;

• I start the day in nature, I observe the flight of the birds and their freedom in the sky, I take a look of the stability of the mountains and their powerful presence, I watch as the grass and the plants move with the wind and most of all I gaze at the sky, at the clouds and wait for the miracle the sun paints every morning. Spending time in nature helps us be in a relaxed, healthy emotional state;

• Seeing the sunrise every day brings me to a state of gratefulness, that I am still alive, that I can see, that I can smell, that I can still run, breathe and enjoy the freshness of the morning. That I can give myself the time to be relaxed and just be there, not needing to run and reach some place. A gratefulness practice will increase the positive hormones release and strengthen our immunity system in return;

• Our world revolves around the sun, it gives us the premise for life and growth, and we too need vitamin D for our own health, so I am taking the chance to give thanks to the sun as well for all that it has to offer us;

• Every morning is different, the sky and the weather is completely different every morning and it takes me out of a daily routine, makes me see the unicity in each and every single day and makes me view it like a blank page which awaits to be written upon, what words I choose to put on it depends only on myself;

• No matter what has happened the previous day, the sunrise resets everything and I wake up with a renewed force and confidence that I can make out whatever I set my intention to, it does not matter what happened yesterday when I have today to make the best out of it;

• The colours of the sky at sunrise are incredible, the golden, orange, pink hues that intermingle to create the most beautiful painting I can see every single day, it is a form of colour therapy and contemplation which I enjoy and be mindful about;

• Every morning, after I head out back home, I salute the sSun and tell it, see you tomorrow! It is like we set out a meeting, and I know that no matter what happens, the sun will show up. And that sense of stability and that confidence that no matter what, I am not alone, I will always have the sun, can bring light in the darkest times;

• Lastly, I enjoy seeing the sunrise every morning because I start out the day really early and it creates space for my mourning routine, which helps me take care of my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual intelligence. I take a healthy breakfast, I run and exercise, I contemplate and meditate, I set out my priorities and intention for the day and I put myself in a grateful state. It is the best beginning I could ever offer myself.

What do you think? Are you willing to give it a try? See how it goes? What are you reasons for enjoying the sunrise?

Through time and dirt, find me!

I think this ring is the best thing that can define me. This ring chose me because of who I am and because of the choices I made along my life.

It all started when I decided after finishing university to be part of the national leadership body of an international organization in Macedonia for one year. It would be my first year in a different country, all be myself, and this experience is a big part of who I am today.

Six years later I went back to Macedonia because one of my best friends I made there was getting married, and I made a promise back then that I would not miss this event.

On my way back from ten amazing days spent in Macedonia, I was waiting with my best friend in one deserted and desolating train station in Belgrade. Just me, her and two other guys sitting backwards on the opposing benches were the only people there.

The two of us were talking about all the crazy things we have done in our trip, the people we’ve met and the amazing time we’ve had, not omitting any single detail. After half an hour of spicy confessions, the guy behind asks us in Romanian if we are from Romania. Needless to say, I instantly blushed, when I realised they understood everything we have been talking for the past half an hour.

I was saved from all the awkward silence ensuing, when the train arrived. When we chose our seats, right next to a family with kids, after a short bit I went to talk with these guys. It seems that they were just returning from a numismatic conference. It seems that although it is illegal to keep the things you find in the ground, Serbia has a grey zone because they are allowing this conference to happen every year, for economic purposes.

I was asking loads of questions, like it usually happens when I find something interesting or when I discover people leading a different lifestyle. Living in a tent, walking up and down the hills, searching for your luck with a metal detector was something that fascinated me.

After a while, one of the guys asked me if I want to see something. I said yes. He pulled a big black box out of his backpack, and invited me, with an urge of secrecy to get closer. When he opened the box, I saw a collection of around 30 old rings. I was utterly impressed.

I asked him if I can get a closer look, and touch the rings. When the answer was yes, I literally took every single ring in my hands, carefully turning it round and round, exploring its surface, the old design, the edges, and symbols encrypted in the blackened metal. I was immersing myself in a sort of personal museum experience, where I could connect with the rings, try to guess where they came from, who made them , who wore them, exploring a world of infinite possibilities and stories.

When I finished with all this amazing treat I was offered, the guy told me that I can choose one ring. My heart skipped a bit, but obviously I had to decline, this is how I was raised. But when he extended his invitation for the second time, I gazed incredulously at the box, and my eyes stopped at one ring. It was the only one! I tried it on and it fit perfectly on my index finger. It was the one! I kept on asking them if they are sure they want to offer it, I didn’t know how old it is, how valuable it might be, for me it was a sort of a personal treasure.

Needless to say, for the rest of the trip I kept thanking them and looking at the ring, being mesmerised by it. This ring is me because I got the courage to live in a different country, because I get attached to people and build lifelong friendships, because I effortlessly connect with strangers and show a genuine interest and curiosity in them, because like I was told, I am a pleasurable company and give off a positive vibration and feeling.